The Stealth Law Firm: Sex, Junk, And Videotape

On Monday afternoon April 16, 1990 the legal assistant coordinator at the law firm where I worked, J.D. Neary, met with my psychiatrist, Stanley R. Palombo, MD, at his office. It was a stealth visit arranged by my employer, the DC law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld. I was never supposed to find out about the visit. But I did. One of my special powers is to read the meanings of trivial events in my environment. The world-renowned psychiatrist, Gertrude R. Ticho, MD, in fact, affirmed that I read a meaning in trivial events. She never actually said I read an incorrect meaning in trivial events, to the best of my knowledge -- simply that I attach a negative meaning to trivial events. Dr. Ticho's professional opinion leaves open the possibility that I accurately read the negative meanings of trivial events. Yes, that's my special power.

So, in my deluded belief system, J.D. Neary saw my psychiatrist on Monday afternoon April 16, 1990. J.D. Neary told Dr. Palombo about my messy, junk-strewn apartment. You see, my employer had gone to my apartment in early January 1990 -- it was the first workday after the New Year; the exact date escapes me now. It had been a stealth operation. A couple managers of the firm got the apartment manager Elaine Wranik (now sadly departed) to let them in my apartment. They came with a video camera and taped my apartment. The resulting video was not exactly Oscar material. The managers sent a copy of the videotape to my sister.

Dr. Palombo's professional opinion was that J.D. Neary's comments about me were a projection of his own anality.

I remember that late in the afternoon of Monday April 16, 1990 my supervisor, Chris Robertson, held an impromptu staff meeting. Chris Robertson and the other supervisory staff had been thoroughly discombobulated by Dr. Palombo's opinion about J.D. Neary. My curiousity was aroused by the fact that my supervisor had called a largely unnecessary, previously unscheduled meeting -- late in the afternoon -- to talk about the need for employees to cut down on the amount of junk in their environs. She talked about the managing partner, Larry Hoffman, going around the firm and videotaping all the junk that employees had accumulated in their workspace.

With the help of my special powers, I knew what Chris Robertson was actually talking about. She had been overstimulated by the news about J.D. Neary's visit to Dr. Palombo and she needed to discharge that overstimulation.

What my employer never understood, from a psychological perspective, is that when you share confidential and sensitive material with employees, it's an act of overstimulation. Employees who are privy to confidential, sensitive information will need to discharge the discomfort of their overstimulation. It's a basic biological fact.

If you show a man porn, he will get overstimulated. He will have a need to discharge the painful feelings associated with the overstimulation. You can figure out the rest.