Monday, December 27, 2004

Relying on the Kindness of Strangers


December 27, 2004

Hey, buddy. Are you still relying on the kindness of strangers? Do you still recommend to library patrons that they rely on the kindness of strangers? Do you still make that recommendation?

I can only thank my lucky stars -- and the planets held in their orbits by the force of attraction varying inversely with the square of their distance from the sun -- I can only thank my lucky stars (and my planets, for that matter) that you and I are, in reality, not friends, but fundamentally abject strangers. I can be sure of always being able to rely on your kindness. But more! Sometimes I consider myself to be the luckiest man in the world. I have no friends, none at all. Of the more than six billion people in the world, all are strangers to me. But imagine what that means! I have more than six billion people -- six billion strangers -- on whose kindness I can rely. I am truly blessed.

You must remember this, buddy:

"You want to use the computer for just a few minutes? Well, you'll have to wait in line. There's a queue. You have to log on to the queue line and wait your turn. But what you can do is ask Mr. Freedman -- that's Mr. Freedman on that computer, there -- what you can do is ask Mr. Freedman if he'd be willing to give up some of his time -- (his valuable time, for which he waited an hour or so to get) -- maybe Mr. Freedman would let you use some of his (precious) computer time to let you (bypass the rules and) get in to use the computer. Sometimes you have to rely on the kindness of strangers." Ah, yes, Brian, spoken like a true Christian. Verily, verily, you do your religion proud. Advising strangers to rely on my kindness. I can't count how many times I've relied on your kindness and have been richly rewarded. "Sometimes you have to rely on the kindness of strangers." What is that line from the New Testament? "For I so loved the library and its patrons that I was willing to sacrifice my only-begotten computer time to redeem the exigencies of a needy patron who was a stranger to me." Well, I'm nothing if not Godlike. The Christian God, of course: all charity and kindness. Yes, I have a Christian heart. I love my fellow man, and show it every day, like the true Christian I am. By the way, Brian, how did you enjoy that CD of the Beethoven "Missa Solemnis" that I gave you? I have to say, I, for my part, really enjoyed the T-shirt you gave me last year. It's the nicest thing a librarian has ever done for me. Your gift of that T-shirt was a heartfelt gesture of Christian charity. But then, you're a Christian; you do nice things every day of the week.

Or am I being sarcastic, and mordantly so?

Be that as it may.

How was your twenty-fifth? Did you spend it at rest or in motion? I, for one, continued in a state of rest; fortunately I was not compelled to change that state by forces imposed upon me.

I spent the day, like a solitary boy at the Lido in Venice, contemplating those few objects that sparked my interest, while, at the same time, ignoring the wealth of buildings, artifacts, and persons just across the lagoon. Like Isaac Newton, "I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on the seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, while the great ocean of truth lay undiscovered before me."

The twenty-fifth! How I wait all year for that blissful day. Joyful memories of childhood pleasures -- the fantasies of unbounded gaiety -- reawaken in me, and for a few hours, at least, I feel alive. A-L-I-V-E! We -- the members of the Royal Society -- give thanks for this day, the day that commemorates the birth of a child who, by his example, showed the world that the sins of an indolent youth might be redeemed by the dedicated labors of the mature man. Did you know that the object of our annual celebration did not do well in grade school? He was reported as "idle" and "inattentive," neglecting prescribed studies for subjects that appealed to him, and giving much time to mechanical contrivances like sundials, water wheels, and homemade clocks. He skimped his studies to read books of his own choosing.

I speak of course of Sir Isaac Newton, whose birth we celebrate on December 25th.

How did I spend the day? Well, I can tell you I didn't spend the day with strangers -- or friends.

With my hands clasped in my lap I let my eyes swim in the wideness of an imagined watery expanse, my gaze losing focus, blurring, and growing vague in the misty immensity of a sea of fantasy. My love of the ocean, like my love of fantasy, has profound sources: the hard-worked artist's longing for rest, my yearning to seek refuge from the thronging manifold shapes of the real world in the bosom of the simple and vast; and another yearning, opposed to my art and perhaps for that very reason a lure, for the unorganized, the immeasurable, the eternal -- in short, for nothingness. Nothingness, in the truly Seinfeldian sense. He whose preoccupation is with excellence longs fervently to find rest in perfection; and is not nothingness a form of perfection? My December 25th was a day of Nothingness and Nothing, as vast as the unbounded universe.

I am a solitary, Brian. A solitary, who is unused to speaking of what he sees and feels, has mental experiences which are at once more intense and less articulate than those of a gregarious man. They are sluggish, yet more wayward, and never without a melancholy tinge. Sights and impressions which others brush aside with a glance, a light comment, a smile, occupy him more than their due; trivial events sink silently in, they take on meaning -- (generally negative; yes, I attribute a negative meaning to trivial events) -- they become experience, emotion, adventure. Solitude gives birth to the original in us, to beauty unfamiliar and perilous -- to poetry. But also, it gives birth to the opposite: to the perverse, the illicit, the absurd, and the disquieting. Sir Isaac Newton, himself a solitary, was moody, sometimes irritable, suspicious, secretive, always timid though proud. He loved privacy, and did not make friends readily. Then, of course, Sir Isaac didn't speak Hebrew, he didn't eat out, and he didn't attend his local synagogue. He never married. High-strung and morbidly sensitive, he bore criticism painfully, resented it sharply, and fought back stoutly in controversy. Sound familiar, buddy?

We, the members of the Royal Society, salute you, Sir Isaac Newton: a solitary whose birth we solitaries celebrate each year on December 25th, if not in mirth, then at least -- in Solitude.

Did you know that modern psychiatry, based on the historical record, has diagnosed Isaac Newton, in retrospect, as schizoid -- that is, a solitary, unaffected by the affective ties that surrounded him: affective ties that bind the normal members of the human community into a universe of brothers?

I too am schizoid, at least according to The Mad Monk: a lone recreant, wandering aimlessly in random motion, impervious to the affective ties of my fellows. Will I ever escape the internal forces that compel my morbid isolation?

According to Dr. Bash, my personality deficits can be addressed by "cognitive therapy." As far as I can see, however, cognitive therapy, as practiced by Dr. Bash, comprises the procedure of her repeating week after week the same recommendations ad nauseam, and denying the legitimacy of all of my opinions, feelings, thoughts, ideas, recollections, and inferences about myself and my environment.

Like any authoritarian ideologue, Dr. Bash imposes her overbearing order in the name of a higher aim: in my case, therapeutic change. Ironically, and disturbingly, Dr. Bash's interaction with me -- specifically, its intrusively-overbearing and identity-disconfirming character -- has been cited as the very cause of schizoid withdrawal, which is seen developmentally, in part, as a defense against the fear of engulfment by unempathic attachment objects. Mind you, in the words of Sir Isaac Newton: "To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction" and, as Sir Isaac might have added, "not necessarily a salutary one."

I don't care if Dr. Bash doesn't help me. I fear that she is making my condition worse!

I believe that Dr. Bash uses her therapeutic approach as a rationalization to issue commands (what she calls recommendations) and deny the patient's individual identity. I believe that in the case of Dr. Bash there is no clear distinction between simple authoritarianism and what Dr. Bash terms "cognitive therapy" (which, as practiced by Dr. Bash, seems to be a cure that assigns to the therapist the role of sole judge of the real, the correct, and the appropriate).

With Dr. Bash I feel I cannot make my voice heard, and exercise some power over the conduct and content of my sessions, as if Dr. Bash needs to maintain her posture of power and omniscience. I discovered early on that I could not exert any influence during the sessions or make her take notice of my wants and opinions. In turn, I feel I can only retain autonomy if I repudiate her totally and withdraw into isolation. I cannot imagine that I can exert any influence over the thoughts or behavior of Dr. Bash, whom I think of as being both more powerful and more ruthless than myself. I think of Dr. Bash as being so entirely oblivious of my needs and wishes that I might as well not exist, and so every week I come to feel that my very being is threatened.

I can't see that Dr. Bash makes any distinction between, on the one hand, a person who is socially isolated but has the psychological ability to form relationships, and, on the other, a person who has distinct deficits that impair his ability to form social attachments. A person who suffers from schizoid personality disorder is not simply socially isolated. He has a distinct psychiatric syndrome -- an intrapsychic disturbance -- which impairs his ability to form relationships. Dr. Bash's weekly recommendation (repeated to the point of coercion) is: "Go to the synagogue, go to the synagogue. [Rely on the kindness of strangers!] You didn't go to the synagogue. If you went to the synagogue, you would meet people and make friends." -- "Isn't there anything we can do here, Dr. Bash, to help me?" -- "Your problem is you want everything on a silver platter. You want me to do everything. (Read: "I take responsibility for nothing.") As I see it, Dr. Bash's recommendation that I go to the synagogue to make friends has all the value of telling an illiterate person to go to his local library. "Go to the library. Place yourself among literate people. Eventually, you'll learn how to read." The schizoid (like the illiterate) has distinct problems that can be addressed only in the context of a specialized relationship that is dedicated to the remediation of specific deficits.

My social isolation is a single symptom or effect of a total, disturbed personality. The psychologist Drew Weston has some pertinent comments about the therapeutic limitations of addressing a single symptom of a disordered personality. Weston specifically addresses the treatment of eating disorders, but his comments are related to the problem of my social isolation, which must be seen as a symptom in the context of a disordered personality. "[S]ymptom-focused treatment strategies may fail to address the personality structure that provides a context for understanding disordered eating [or, in my case, social isolation]. Patients whose personality profiles match the overcontrolled, constricted prototype, for example, rarely recognize their stance toward their own impulses and relationships as a problem. What brings them into treatment is typically someone else's concern about their weight. If their attitudes toward their needs and feelings in general (and not just toward food [or, in my case, social relations]) do not become the object of therapeutic attention, they are likely to change with treatment from being starving, unhappy, isolated, and emotionally constricted people to being relatively well fed, unhappy, isolated, and emotionally constricted people." Weston, D., Harnden-Fischer, J., "Personality Profiles in Eating Disorders: Rethinking the Distinction Between Axis I and Axis II." Am. J. Psychiatry, 158(4): 547-562 at 560 (April 2001).

In any event, as you can plainly see, I've been engaged in a forbidden activity over the holidays. Yes, I admit it. I have violated one of Dr. Bash's "Thou Shalt Nots." I have been reading technical material! In addition to perusing The American Journal of Psychiatry, I have been reading "The Art of Psychotherapy," a book by the late British psychiatrist Anthony Storr. But, heck, it's the holidays. Why not throw caution to the wind for a couple of days? I'll live dangerously and read technical material if I want to. "Oy, to be a goy at Christmas," as Drew Weston likes to say.

Of course, according to The Mad Monk, I don't have the intellectual ability to understand technical material. So instead of paraphrasing what I've read, I'll reproduce a few pages of the chapter titled, "The Schizoid Personality" (with a few interpolations of my own).

So what does Dr. Storr say?

The schizoid is a deeply disturbed type of person whose fear of involvement with others is so extreme that he withdraws into himself and attempts to do without human relationships as far as possible. Schizoid people come to the attention of psychotherapists in a variety of ways. Because they have little faith in the ability of others to understand or help them, they are often pressed into seeking help by those who are near enough to them to realize that there is something wrong.
(cf. "What brings them into treatment is typically someone else's concern about their weight." Weston, D., Harnden-Fischer, J., "Personality Profiles in Eating Disorders: Rethinking the Distinction Between Axis I and Axis II." Am. J. Psychiatry, 158(4): 547-562 at 560. Both the schizoid and the anorexic suffer from "a dissociated lack of awareness of needs.") Thus, to take a characteristic example, an undergraduate who is failing at his work and who shows no signs of being able to make friends or enjoy university life may be steered into psychotherapy by a tutor. This will constitute an additional difficulty in therapy, though not necessarily an insurmountable one. If self-referred, such a patient will complain of not being able to make relationships, especially with the opposite sex; or of being quite unable to concentrate on work or complete work; or of what he is likely to call depression.

Although schizoid patients do indeed become depressed, their mood is often more of apathy than melancholia. As Fairbairn has aptly observed, "the characteristic affect of the schizoid state is undoubtedly a sense of futility." Although schizoid people may at first sight resemble depressed patients, one quickly comes to realize that their kind of depression has a quality of meaninglessness which is not present in the ordinary cases of depression. Depressives, one feels, are suffering from an interruption or bad episode in their lives; and their resentment can be felt just below the surface. With schizoid people, one feels that their mood of futility is much more integral to their ordinary adaptation; almost as if their lives never had had much meaning.

Dr. Bash, you will observe, refuses to recognize my sense of futility. She denies that my concerns about feelings of futility have any meaning (thereby contributing to my existing sense of meaninglessness.) "Go to the synagogue," she says. "Why don't you go? [Why don't you rely on the kindness of strangers?]" I say, "It's not going to do anything. I don't like most people. It's just futile. I don't connect with people. I don't make friends." The "sense of futility" is a distinct affective state that is recognized to predominate in the schizoid. For Dr. Bash the all-important "affective state" of futility has no "meaning," so that, in the end, she denies my feelings, thereby replicating my early pathogenic experience: namely, my interaction with an unempathic caretaker.

Schizoid people are often difficult to interview. The therapist feels that he is not on the same wavelength. When trying to take a history, he is likely to feel that, although the patient may be superficially cooperative in answering questions, he doesn't really give anything.. The patient may induce in the interviewer the feeling that, in answer to every query, he is really wanting to say: "What on earth is the point of asking me that?" Some schizoid patients appear to affect an air of superiority, especially if, as is not infrequent, they are intellectually superior, and have made their chief adaptation to the world by means of their brains rather than their feelings. It is important not to allow oneself to be put off by this. Therapists like to have their efforts appreciated, and it is disconcerting to be faced with an individual who appears to repudiate every attempt to get to know and understand him.

It is important to realize that patients of this kind are deeply frightened of any kind of intimacy. Their defense is to withdraw as far as possible from emotional involvement. But since it is emotional involvement which gives meaning to life, they are constantly threatened with finding life meaningless. If the therapist is sufficiently mature to tolerate being repudiated and made to feel useless by such patients, he will find them of great interest, and, if he manages to penetrate their defenses, will find himself richly rewarded by winning the trust of someone who for years has found it difficult to trust any other human being.

Why are persons of this kind so reluctant to allow anyone to become close to them? There seem to me to be three main types of fear of intimacy. All three may be present together; but one type is often more manifest than the others. First, a person may be reluctant to embark upon a relationship because he fears that it will end, and that he will therefore be worse off than if he had never taken the risk of involvement. This fear is often based upon an actual experience of loss in early childhood. Isaac Newton, for example, showed many schizoid traits of character. He was notably isolated, and never made any close emotional relationships with anyone of either sex. He was also extremely suspicious, reluctant to publish his work, and prone to accuse others of having stolen his discoveries. When he was just over fifty, he had a psychotic breakdown in which paranoid ideas were prominent. At least some of his emotional difficulties may reasonably be assumed to have taken origin from the experience of his early childhood. Newton was a premature child whose father had died before he was born. For the first three years of his life, he enjoyed the undivided attention of his mother. Then, when he was just past his third birthday, his mother remarried. She not only presented Newton with an unwanted stepfather, but added insult to injury by abandoning him, leading him to be brought up by his maternal grandmother whilst she herself moved to live in a different house with her new husband. We know from his own writings that Newton felt this to be a betrayal. He seemed never entirely to have trusted any human being again.

Dr. Bash denies that I experienced emotional loss in childhood. First, a patient cannot work through past losses if they are denied by the therapist. Second, the intrapsychic structural consequences of loss will not be remediated by real social attachments in adulthood. Again, the schizoid is struggling with the structural consequences of past experience; he is not struggling simply with social isolation in the present. A schizoid person is not a generic, socially-isolated person.

Additionally, Dr. Bash's lack of values and her lack of strongly-held convictions, as revealed in the gross contradictions of her comments from week to week, undermine her credibility and, most importantly, vitiate any sense of trust I might place in her statements. During the pendency of the ban on my library visits (April to October 2004) I suggested that I might leave you, Brian, a telephone message. Dr. Bash said: "NO! Don't do that! Brian doesn't want to have anything to do with you. Why do you think he called the police? The ban on visits to the library means a ban on any contact with Brian. It means no letters, no telephone calls, no contact of any kind. If you telephone Brian, Brian could call the police on you." Quite emphatic, don't you think? At my last session with Dr. Bash on Wednesday December 22, 2004, Dr. Bash said, thrusting her hand into the past: "You know, you probably could have gone back to the library after three months. You didn't have to wait until the entire six months had passed. If you had gone back after three months, what would have happened is that Brian would have seen you and he would have thought, 'My, has six months passed already?' He would have forgotten that you were not supposed to return to the library until October."

Dr. Bash's contradictory, self-serving statements merit comparison with the capricious edicts of Big Brother in Orwell's novel "1984." "All history was a palimpsest, scraped clean and reinscribed exactly as often as was necessary." "If the Party could thrust its hand into the past and say of this or that event, it never happened [or that the event had no meaning] -- that was more terrifying than mere torture and death."

How can I trust Dr. Bash? How can I see Dr. Bash as anything other than a shallow individual who will say anything at any time to further her own aims. Indeed, one of Dr. Bash's recent recommendations shows a striking disregard for my legal rights and all that implies about her respect for me as a patient. "Don't tell an employer you are disabled," she said. "You don't have to tell an employer that. If you don't tell him you're disabled he won't know." The fact is that, legally, if I do not tell an employer I am disabled I cannot invoke my legal rights as a disabled person. Dr. Bash's recommendation may, in fact, constitute an unlawful act of discrimination by a state employee; Dr. Bash, an employee of the District of Columbia, is recommending that a disabled person refrain from taking the necessary steps to allow him to invoke his legal rights. Does my interaction with Dr. Bash enhance my ability to trust others? To the contrary, my experience with The Mad Monk confirms that I can trust no one.

According to Dr. Storr a second reason for avoiding intimacy is the fear of being dominated and overborne by the other person to the point of losing identity as a separate individual. We all begin life being at the mercy of adults who [like Orwell's Big Brother] are much more powerful than we are, and we all strive, in varying ways, to reach a degree of independence. Although some people wish to continue to be subject to the authority of others, and to have many of the decisions of life made for them, even the most masochistic prefer to retain some autonomy. This can be detected in very small children, and many children's games are concerned with demonstrating that they can put down adults and be "king of the castle." As children grow up, most learn that they can make their voices heard, and exercise some power over events, even whilst they are with people who are more powerful than themselves. They discover that, although they may not be able entirely to have their own way, they can exert influence and make others take notice of their wants and opinions. The people we call schizoid, on the contrary conceive that they can only retain autonomy if they withdraw into isolation. They do not imagine that they can exert any influence over the thoughts or behavior of others, whom they think of as being both more powerful and more ruthless than themselves. They think of other people as being so entirely oblivious of their needs and wishes that they might as well not exist, and so come to feel their very being is threatened. R.D. Laing gives a good example of this in his book "The Divided Self." One patient is arguing with another in the course of a session in an analytic group. One breaks off to say: "I can't go on. You are arguing in order to have the pleasure of triumphing over me. At best you win an argument. At worst you lose an argument. I am arguing in order to preserve my existence."

Although at first sight such a statement might seem delusional, there may be more in it literally than meets the eye. Bruno Bettelheim, the psychoanalyst who was for a year confined in Dachau and Buchenwald concentration camps, observed that those prisoners who surrendered autonomy entirely and acquiesced in letting the guards determine their whole existence become like automata -- Mussulmen, as they were called -- and soon actually died. Survival seemed to depend upon preserving some tiny area in which decision could still be in the hands of the prisoner himself.

The fear of being overborne or engulfed, as Laing calls it, sometimes seems to be the consequence of having been treated with particular lack of consideration as a child; more particularly, of having been treated as a doll or automaton or as an appendage to the parents rather than as a person with a separate existence. The fear has much in common with Freud's "castration anxiety," in the sense of being deprived of potency or effectiveness.

In my own case it's interesting to note that my mother had been a socially-isolated child who devoted a lot of energy to playing with dolls and making clothes for the dolls. In early adulthood my mother applied her self-taught seamstress skills to her employment in a lampshade factory. Later, my mother used to sew much of my sister's wardrobe, which was professional in quality. With regard to disparities between my development and that of my sister, note that being treated like a passive doll is somewhat ego-syntonic for a girl but destructive of a boy's emergent gender identity.

There is a Pygmalion-like quality to Dr. Bash's interaction with me, as if I were a doll to be positioned to her satisfaction, or a block of marble to be sculpted according to her conventionalized expectations. The psychoanalyst Margaret Brenman-Gibson writes: "It is probable that the original Pygmalion story and its derivatives are all statements of the artist and his 'creation.' In a painting, "Pygmalion," at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, the male is embracing the 'female,' whose body is in fact that of a young boy -- broad-shouldered and muscular, clearly another edition of the Narcissus story, with more sublimation [--in psychoanalytic terms, suggesting both the issues of gender-identity as well as narcissistic disturbance]. Clifford Odets: American Playwright (New York: Atheneum, 1989) at 677 n. 24.1.

Of additional interest is the fact that Dr. Bash's symptom-focused strategy of addressing my social isolation to the exclusion of my needs and feelings in general parallels a pedagogic technique that is employed by the parents of some narcissistically-disturbed patients.

The psychoanalyst Phyllis Beren writes: "[Precocious ego development] can be observed in the extreme unevenness of development, where certain capacities and functions may be highly matured or overdeveloped while others lag behind. This uneven development usually dovetails with the parents' inability to see the child as a whole in a developmentally appropriate way, and with their overemphasis on certain of the child's functions that fit in with their own narcissistic needs.

For example, the parents may give a good deal of praise and encouragement for independence, at the expense of emotional and physical closeness. Thus the child discovers that the parents will not accept his dependence, and learns early on to take care of himself. Or the parent may overvalue one particular ego function such as speech, so that speech becomes overvalued and used for defensive purposes rather than for communicative or thought clarifying purposes (citation omitted). What happens to these children is that they tend to use intellectualization and become emotionally removed and aloof. Another outcome may be the child who functions emotionally and physically as a little parent in the family, i.e., when there is an extreme form of role reversal in the parent-child relationship (citation omitted)." Beren, P. "Narcissistic Disorders in Children." In: The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Vol. 47: 265-278 at 276 (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1992).

Dr. Bash is unable to see me as a whole, and overemphasizes certain of my functions -- namely my social relations -- that fit in with her own narcissistic needs. I, in turn, experience Dr. Bash as self-serving and authoritarian, rigidly denying my right to express my total personality through the disclosure of my thoughts, feelings, and opinions about myself and my environment. She has turned the joy of human relations into a duty, which, in my analysis confirms that for Dr. Bash "Other People" are an uninternalized parental derivative; they serve as a preautonomous superego that guarantees Dr. Bash's own narcissistic integrity: that satisfies her own narcissistic needs. The psychoanalytically-sophisticated reader will see the relationship between (1) Dr. Bash's moral sleaziness ("As long as the authorities don't know, what's the difference?" -- "You could have gone back to the library after three months, Brian wouldn't have known." -- "Don't tell an employer you're disabled, he doesn't have to know") and (2) Dr. Bash's overemphasis on the need to establish peer relations (presumably, as she sees it, as a guarantor of narcissistic integrity).

Anthony Storr continues: The importance of being unable to influence authority has been vividly depicted by the novelist Kafka in his classic novels "The Trial" and "The Castle." According to Kafka's biographer, Max Brod, Kafka continued throughout his life, to attribute almost magical powers to his father. When he was 36 he wrote a long "Letter to my Father" in which he exposed his continuing sense of inadequacy and his feelings of always being in the wrong which he experienced in relation to his father. The same sense of powerlessness is evident in Kafka's religious attitude. There is an Absolute, but so remote from the life of man that misunderstanding and lack of comprehension is inevitable. Kafka considered that parents were tyrants and slave-drivers. He agreed with Swift that "parents are the least of all to be trusted with the education of their children." His novels are concerned with authorities who are so arbitrary and unpredictable that it was impossible to understand them or work out ways of dealing with them.

An examination of Kafka's social adjustment highlights the limitations or inadequacies of Dr. Bash's recommendation that I "go to the synagogue to make friends." Kafka, though socially-isolated, had a few close friends who adored him. Yet, he never overcame his sense of unease even in the presence of those very friends (and much less, in the presence of strangers -- [see below]) and the social life he did enjoy never permitted him to overcome an ever-present inner despair. Throughout adulthood he reported that he was ravaged by tormenting dreams and daytime dreads. It was only at his writing table that he felt secure.

In a letter dated June 1913, Kafka wrote: "But if I am in an unfamiliar place, among a number of strange people, or people whom I feel to be strangers, then the whole room presses on my chest and I am unable to move, my whole personality seems virtually to get under their skins, and everything becomes hopeless." Storr, A. "Solitude: A Return to the Self," at 101 (New York, The Free Press, 1988).

Neurotic symptoms, says Dr. Storr, are exaggerations of anxieties we all feel. Those who are fortunate enough to possess basic trust in other human beings may find it difficult to empathize with schizoid people because they cannot detect any trace of similar traits in their own personalities. However, even the most "normal" people fear revealing intimate secrets to others; for they realize that to do so is to put oneself in the power of the other person. Real intimacy is not lightly embarked on even by those who are not habitually suspicious. The common fear of getting married is often rooted in the idea that to do so might threaten autonomy to a dangerous extent. Many people who pass for normal are unable to conceive of a human relationship in which the partners are on equal terms, in which giving and taking are reciprocal, and may feel that they themselves have nothing much to give.

Dr. Storr concludes: A third reason for avoiding intimacy is the subject's fear that he will harm or destroy the person to whom he becomes attached. See also Friedman, M. "Survivor Guilt and the Pathogenesis of Anorexia Nervosa." Psychiatry (1985). At first sight this kind of fear may seem to contradict the other varieties since it seems to imply that the subject is more, not less, powerful than the other person. However, the power concerned is of a kind possessed by every child; the power to exhaust or empty the parent. Kleinian analysts would trace such a fear to fantasies arising in the earliest months of life, when a frustrated or greedy infant might suppose that his urgent need had emptied or destroyed the breast upon which his existence depended. However this may be, there is little doubt that older children may come to feel that their capacity to exhaust a parent outweighs the pleasure which the parent may take in their presence, especially if the parent is elderly or ailing.

On several occasions, Dr. Bash has referred to her physical ailments. Twice she has referred to her heart condition, which makes her seem especially vulnerable. These personal comments by a therapist about her physical infirmities are inappropriate; they are antitherapeutic for the patient.
Perhaps it is my distortion, but I read behind the lines of Dr. Bash's medical confessions the statement: "You see how I suffer for you?" or perhaps, "You are killing me." [Cf. Brian Brown to the Metro DC Police: "Officer, I think Mr. Freedman might be dangerous."] In short, Dr. Bash's comments are guilt-inducing for the patient.

According to Dr. Storr, schizoid adults habitually find that relations with others exhaust them, and so suppose that they themselves must be equally exhausting. This leads to a kind of careful watchfulness which makes spontaneity in human relationships impossible. In some instances, this attitude can be traced to the behavior of a parent who is also schizoid [or inattentive to the child's emotional needs]. Small children are to some extent exhausting to most parents in our culture because their care requires constant vigilance and because they cannot provide the kind of interchange on equal terms which adults find rewarding.

Dr. Bash's depiction of my reasonable expectations of psychotherapy as extravagant (namely, that psychotherapy should be a specialized, uniquely-intimate, and emotionally-corrective relationship) seems to hint at the issue of parental depletion. She seems to be saying that my expectation that she offer something more than mere recommendations that I "rely on the kindness of strangers" is inappropriate. Cf. Friedman, M. "Survivor Guilt and the Pathogenesis of Anorexia Nervosa." Psychiatry (1985) ("depletion guilt" is a form of guilt, derived from disturbed parental attitudes, characterized by the child's belief that the gratification of his normal, phase-appropriate needs is destructive to the parents).

Dr. Bash depicts my need that she do more than just make recommendations that I interact with people as an inappropriate imposition on her, and, suggestively (and significantly), uses oral imagery to illustrate her point: "You want everything on a silver platter." Reprise: "A person who suffers from schizoid personality disorder is not simply socially isolated. He has a distinct psychiatric syndrome -- an intrapsychic disturbance -- which impairs his ability to form relationships. Dr. Bash's weekly recommendation (repeated to the point of coercion) is: "Go to the synagogue, go to the synagogue. [Rely on the kindness of strangers!] You didn't go to the synagogue. If you went to the synagogue, you would meet people and make friends." -- "Isn't there anything we can do here, Dr. Bash, to help me?" -- "YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU WANT EVERYTHING ON A SILVER PLATTER. YOU WANT ME TO DO EVERYTHING. (Read: 'I take responsibility for nothing.')"

Dr. Storr adds: There are many parents who feel all too easily drained by their children because they themselves cannot play or enter into a child's world through their imagination.

Dr. Storr's observation about a parent's inability to enter into the child's world parallels an observation I made in an earlier letter to you, the one dated June 28, 2004 that outlines the underlying reasons for my obsession with you:



Subject's mother, though overprotective, was largely uninvolved and uninterested in subject's play or other activities. Mother interacted with subject, but in her own way and on her own terms; she was unwilling or incapable of immersing herself in or participating in her child's own world.
It is telling that in the first grade, subject's teacher summoned the mother to school to admonish her to help subject with his homework and to read to him. Subject's mother had never read to her son. Subject's mother used to say unashamedly: "I hate books!" It is interesting that as an adult, subject's interests and outlook do not match those of his mother; in terms of interests and outlook it is as if subject developed independently from his mother, though he was emotionally dependent on her.

Subject's activity in adulthood of visiting the library and sharing physical space with the uninvolved library manager, while at the same time covertly wooing the manager with undelivered letters, may be a derivative of his early interaction with an uninterested and uninvolved mother who ignored her toddler son's secret entreaties for attention.


The rapprochement subphase (usually between fifteen months and eighteen months) is ushered in by the toddler's dawning realization that the mother is actually a separate person, one who will not always be available to help him in dealing with his newly enlarged world. Mother must now be approached on a new, higher level of interaction, characterized especially by sharing new discoveries in the "outside" world and by language. The early months of the rapprochement subphase are typified by "wooing" behavior of the child toward his mother, in which he tries to obtain her participation in his world within the context of some recognition of his separateness. Greenberg, J.R. and Mitchell, S.A. Object Relations in Psychoanalytic Theory. (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1983).

Finally, says Anthony Storr, a child may thus be faced with a parent who not only does not give him the affection and understanding which he desperately needs, but also conveys to him that his needs are potentially destructive of the person to whom he turns to fulfill them. This may lead to the conviction that fulfillment through love is unattainable except in fantasy. Close relationships are regarded as mutually exhausting rather than mutually rewarding; and so the safest thing is to avoid them as far as possible. So says Anthony Storr.

Significantly, Dr. Storr's first point (about the importance of object loss) and his third point (about the child's fear of destroying the object) are both found in a quote (a single sentence, in fact) from an earlier letter I wrote to you, Brian. "Pathological mourning and schizoid detachment are the consequences of early and severe loss; the ensuing withdrawal from all relationships due to ANXIETY OVER FUTURE LOSS (Dr. Storr's first point) and GUILT OVER PERCEIVED DESTRUCTION OF THE OBJECT (Dr. Storr's third point) results in further frustration of emotional needs and dissociated lack of awareness of needs." Ducey, C. "The Life History and Creative Psychopathology of the Shaman." The Psychoanalytic Study of Society. Volume 7: 173-230 at 185 (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1976). Gertrude R. Ticho, MD, contributing editor.

Check you out next week, buddy. Keep your eye out for those falling apples. There's no protection from falling applies.

Monday, December 20, 2004

The Historiographer: A Winter Solstice

December 20, 2004


Hey, buddy. Did you hear that, Brian? I said, "Hey, buddy!" Do I need to repeat myself?

It was good seeing you last Thursday, just before 9:00 AM, on Connecticut Avenue. That was December sixteenth. That's Beethoven's birthday, by the way. Did you know that? At least most experts believe Beethoven was born on the sixteenth. The only documentary evidence is the composer's baptismal record. Of course, documentary evidence can be deceiving -- even inauthentic. We do know that Beethoven was baptized on December seventeenth, at least so the record shows. Some biographers maintain that Beethoven was born on the seventeenth, citing the fact that in the locale of Beethoven's birth, Catholics were customarily baptized on the day they were born. In any event, what we are left with is a few pieces of evidence, and an inference. As they say in the law, the question of Beethoven's birth date is a matter upon which reasonable minds can differ.

In any event, when I said "Hi, Brian" last Thursday morning, you didn't respond. You didn't even look at me. You just continued on your way, looking straight ahead. Were you caught up in deep thoughts? Caught up in the trials and tribulations of life? Or were you caught up with thoughts about what the future holds in terms of trials and tribunals? Or are you having trouble with your hearing? Are you concerned about your hearing?

I told you, buddy, you need a flu shot. A flu shot can immunize you from complications -- complications with your hearing, for example. Believe me, you don't want to experience problems with your hearing, like Beethoven. Ask Martha. She didn't get a flu shot -- and that lady suffered real complications with her hearing that have cut her off from the rest of society. And now, well, do I have to tell you? She'll be cut off for months. That's what hearing problems can do.

Beethoven's problems with his hearing were notorious. His case in the Court of Appeals, his protracted custody battle with his sister-in-law over the right to guardianship of his late brother's teenage son, Karl, lasted for years. Yes, Beethoven had real problems with his hearing.

Ultimately, Beethoven prevailed in the Court of Appeals and was granted custody. Karl, for his part, despised his uncle, the mad Beethoven. Karl -- like many people -- thought the composer was an impossible nut case. I can only imagine that if Karl encountered his uncle Ludwig in the street, the lad would have turned away.

Beethoven was obsessed with his nephew. He was determined to gain control over the boy. Beethoven's biographer, Maynard Solomon, applying psychoanalytic concepts, attributes Beethoven's obsession with his nephew to the composer's Family Romance fantasy.

In the fantasy which Freud and Otto Rank named the "Family Romance," the child replaces one or both of his parents with elevated surrogates -- heroes, celebrities, kings, or nobles. The child, in protest against his parents, fantasizes a more elegant or heroic lineage. Freud found that this fantasy, which is universal in myth, religion, fairy-tales, and imaginative fiction, was widespread in the daydreams of ordinary people, and appeared in a more intense and enduring form among the creative and the talented.

According to Maynard Solomon it was a variant of the Family Romance fantasy that dominated Beethoven's thinking during the protracted custody battle over his nephew, in the Court of Appeals. It was precisely during the years of litigation that Beethoven refused to permit any action to refute the proliferating reports of his royal ancestry. For Beethoven had not been "pretending" to nobility; he felt that he was, indeed, of noble origin but was unable to demonstrate it because of the mysterious (as he thought) circumstances of his birth. His adoption of his nephew Karl had been the adoption of a commoner by a noble: "I have raised my nephew into a higher category," he wrote in 1819, and the composer's friend, Anton Schindler, observed that Beethoven's intent was to bring Karl up like the child of a nobleman (not like the descendant of some common sheep fucker). In some unfathomable way, Beethoven's seizure of his nephew was his delusory way of repairing his own presumed illegitimacy, of fulfilling the prophecy of the Family Romance, of becoming the noble father of a commoner's child. Unable to locate the noble father of his daydreams, he had created him in his own person.

In effect, Beethoven's relations with other significant males reflected a dual father-son identification in which the composer could play the idealized, noble father to a common son in need of rescue; and alternatively play the son in need of rescue, assigning other males the role of the fantasized, idealized father.

In my own case, what is interesting about my protracted struggle in the Court of Appeals -- and, quite frankly, doesn't every male contend at some point in his life with father-son issues in "the Court of Appeals" -- is the fact that that struggle symbolically concerned my desire for union with the idealized father-figure, Robert S. Strauss, from whom I felt I had been wrongly separated. In effect, my legal battle over wrongful termination was, in some symbolic sense, a "custody battle." Beethoven presumed the status of father, and sued for custody of his nephew. While I presumed the status of "rightful son" and sued for job reinstatement -- symbolically, I sought the guardianship of an idealized father, Der Strauss.

I suppose my obsession with you, buddy, is a variation on father-son conflicts. It's interesting how I have managed to draw you into my custody battle with Der Strauss. My relations with you and Der Strauss are a lengthy and complexly-intertwined set of diabolical variations on a father-son theme. All in three/four time, I might add.

A thought about the simplistic interpretations of The Mad Monk come to mind at this moment: "You are obsessed with Brian because you are lonely. If you made a real friend, you'd give up your obsession with Brian." It's interesting to observe that Beethoven was a childless bachelor. The Mad Monk would probably have advised Beethoven: "Your problem is that you are isolated and lonely. That is why you are obsessed with your nephew, Karl. You should forget about Karl. Find a wife, have children. That's what you should do. Have a family of your own, and you'll forget about Karl." And if Beethoven did have a son of his own, wouldn't his relations with that son be disturbed in their own way? Intrapsychic needs and fantasies, more frequently than not, do not bend to the influences of lived experience.

We know that Beethoven's obsession with his nephew was not about loneliness; it was not about Beethoven's relations with real people in the real world. Beethoven's obsession was determined by intrapsychic fantasy. How do we know that? A letter of Beethoven's reveals the composer's plans for Karl in the future event he were to be granted legal guardianship. In that letter, Beethoven states his intent (or wish or fantasy) to send the boy away to a foreign city to get an education. The letter supports the view that the drama of Beethoven's relations with his nephew followed an unconscious script that transcended rationality; a realistic desire to obtain the human companionship that guardianship of his nephew might offer was not Beethoven's real motivation.

A strange fellow, that Beethoven.

If you, Brian, were to ask me, "What is it that you want from me, Freedman, what is it that you really want?" Honestly, I can't say. I know that I fantasize about being your friend. That's all I know. That is my only conscious reality. Again, I am an impulse machine. Little more. I have wishes and fantasies. To view my wishes as concrete expressions of realistic desires, as Dr. Bash does, would miss the mark. My thoughts and behaviors don't really relate to frustrations and wishes in the real world that can be remedied or satisfied by lived experience; my thoughts and fantasies relate back to intrapsychic forces that I don't understand.

Be that as it may. As Dr. Eissler would say: "All things transitory are but parable."

I have become lost to the world. I live in isolation from my fellows, here in Cleveland Park. I live a more or less imagined existence here in Upper Northwest, the closest thing in Washington to a pastoral setting. I close with this, my friend -- my imaginary friend:

The Cleveland Park Testament

Oh you men who think or say that I am malevolent, stubborn, or misanthropic, how greatly you do wrong me. You do not know the secret cause which makes me seem that way to you. From childhood on, my heart and soul have been full of the tender feeling of goodwill, and I was ever inclined to accomplish great things. But think that for 13 years now I have been hopelessly afflicted, made worse by senseless physicians, from year to year deceived with hopes of improvement, finally compelled to face the prospect of a lasting malady (whose cure will take years or, perhaps, be impossible). Though born with a fiery, active temperament, even susceptible to the diversions of society, I was soon compelled to withdraw myself, to live alone.

Check you out next week, buddy. Did you hear that, Brian? Check you out next week.


[During the period June 2001 to August 2003 I believed that the resident manager of my apartment building, David Castleberry (2000 - 2003), used to enter my apartment surreptitiously each day. I used to leave him a handwritten message taped to the inside of the front door. I had begun that practice in mid-June 2001 and continued writing notes and taping them to the door until the summer of 2003, when David Castleberry quit. The messages were addressed to "Friend." I pretended that I didn't know it was David Castleberry who was reading the notes. It was my (paranoid) belief that David Castleberry reported back to attorney managers at Akin Gump the content of the message I left on the door each day. I further believed that Akin Gump's attorney managers then informed Brian Brown at the library of the content of the daily message.]

1-4-02 Elizabeth Joyce [the front desk manager] has been rather jolly. Maybe she got lucky during her Christmas vacation? Get the scoop on her.

1-7-02 On Wednesday January 2 I told my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, that I took a graduate course (seminar) in international relations at Temple University in spring semester 1978. The instructor's name was Lloyd Jensen, Ph.D., professor in the department of political science at Temple. One of Dr. Jensen's papers was titled -- "Foreign Policy Calculation." Maybe Henry Kissinger has heard of Dr. Jensen. -- Find out what old Lloyd is doing, please.

Message for Bob Morgenthau -- he (the "third person 'I'") would like you to give my regards to Judge Belknap.

[Robert Morgenthau is the District Attorney for New York County. Judge Belknap tried Colin Ferguson, who carried out a mass homicidal assault on the Long Island Railroad. Ferguson, who was psychotic, defended himself at trial, and consistently referred to himself in the third person. Judge Belknap had been the law partner of New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, when they were in private practice.]

1-8-02 Here's an assignment.-- For years now, I felt that a woman in the neighborhood recognized me. My first interaction with her was in the spring of 1989 -- I was walking to work (to the subway, that is). I was whistling the Marseillaise (the French national anthem, you know -- "Allons enfants de la patrie, le jour de gloire est arrive.") Anyway, she says to me -- "Bastille Day is a long way off." And I said, "Yes, but it's the big one" -- July 14, 1989 was the French bicentennial celebration. A breakthrough occurred in about 1993, when I went to the office of The American Psychological Association to deliver a complaint I was filing against my former psychologist (William Brown, Ph.D.) -- I saw the mystery woman in the lobby, and I assume that she works for the APA. (She may even be a psychologist.) Then on Saturday January 5, 2002, I saw her at the Cleveland Park Library, chatting with the weekend librarian "Beth" (name?). They seemed to be acquainted. But here's the identifier -- mystery woman was checking out a book called "The World of Jeeves" -- who is mystery woman ! ! ! By the way, I think she's Jewish.

[Note the reference to the French revolution (Bastille Day)].]

1-9-02 Yesterday (1-8-02) at the library, the librarians seemed to have an attitude of awed admiration. The head librarian (a nice young man, whose name escapes me), seemed to be eyeing me. I look on this as training for the time to come when I will have hordes of admiring fans. I'm so fascinating!

1-10-02 I had an experience in the library yesterday (1-9-02) that was -- shall we say -- "a tad askew." On Monday I had left a message on my computer disk (using the library's computer) that was addressed to New York City District Attorney Robert Morgenthau. Then Wednesday (1-9-02) somebody left a copy of a letter in the library's magazine exchange -- a letter written by none other than Robert Morgenthau.

[Attached is letter dated September 20, 1996 with my handwritten message:] Letter placed in library magazine exchange [at Cleveland Park Library], Jan. 9, 2002.

[Letterhead states "District Attorney of the County of New York. Robert M. Morgenthau, District Attorney."

I have highlighted the letterhead in yellow. Note that I mentioned Robert Morgenthau in my message dated 1-7-02. Associations: Linda Fairstein, Esq., a nationally prominent best-selling novelist, used to head the Sex Crimes Unit at Morgenthau's office. Fairstein is a friend of Vernon Jordan and reportedly jockeyed for nomination to the post of U.S. Attorney General in 1993, in the Clinton Administration (Jordan headed President-elect Clinton's transition team). John F. Kennedy, Jr., Esq. (who died in 1999) was a friend of Vernon Jordan's and worked as an ADA in Morgenthau's office. New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani was Judge Belknap's former law partner. Judge Belknap tried Colin Ferguson, who spoke in the third person. My autobiography is written in the third person.]

A brief note: Yesterday, at the library, I heard the head librarian use the phrase "in the listening room" -- I associated that phrase to my session with Dr. Shaffer the previous day, and I thought -- maybe the clinic tape records my sessions with Dr. Shaffer, and people listen to the tapes -- is that paranoid ? ? ?

1-14-02 Saturday, in the library, Velvel was talking about his wife's first marriage. He said it was a disaster -- that her first husband turned out to be a homosexual. -- Who wants to hear that crap? They have no idea of what professionalism is. Those librarians need to get a clue. Maybe things will be different after the revolution!

[Note that the message on 1-8-02 referred to Bastille Day (and by implication, the French Revolution).]

1-15-02 Here's somebody to look into: Dan Korman Esq. Korman was a lawyer at Hogan & Hartson, 15 years ago, when I was there. He worked on the Milwaukee School Desegregation case. Super-bright. He had degrees from Princeton, Columbia, and another one of those big-time schools. -- Inside info -- Korman had malaria.

[I happened to see a printout of the firm's blood donor list, which indicated that Korman had had malaria, a vector-borne disease that is transmitted by mosquito.]

1-16-02 Flash from the past: Here's a list of the names of students who I remember from my freshman year of college at Penn State (fall 1971) -- These were students in Irma Jean Smith's French class. Don't ask how I remember them. I wasn't friendly with them -- They were below acquaintance level.

Barry Groder -- He majored in table tennis. We were in the same swimming class in the fall 1972. We were both Mark Spitz wannabes. I got to imagine Groder naked any time I wanted.

A young woman whose last name, I think, was something like Avchen (I don't remember her first name). She wanted to major in French to become a translator or interpreter.

Then there were the Levin's. Marcia G. Levin and Barry N. Levin. They got married in college. They once held hands under the table in French class -- and Miss Smith (the instructor) had a fit. I think Barry Levin thought I was a weirdo. Marcia Levin got a job as a checkout clerk in State College -- in a supermarket. -- She majored in bar codes.

1-17-02 My psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, says she could see a difference in me while I was on my antipsychotic meds. Now, really! Did you see a difference? Maybe you could talk to Doc Shaffer, and tell her that she's full of it.

1-18-01 Here's someone to look into -- Joseph V. Kaplan, Esq. Subject is an attorney with Passman and Kaplan -- 1090 Vermont Ave NW (789 - 0100) here in Washington. Kaplan & I were in the same graduating class at Penn State (May 1975). We had one course together that I remember -- Stanley Cutler's Speech Communications course in the fall of 1972.

Kaplan was active in student politics at Penn State and served as president of the student government at Penn State's branch campus at Abington, PA. I remember vaguely that Kaplan used to carry with him at all times a copy of the Constitution of the U.S., which he would whip out on occasion. Kaplan's law partner Edward Passman is a graduate of Harvard Law school, one of the finer schools in the Boston area.

[I vaguely recall that Kaplan's argumentative speech in Stanley Cutler's public speaking course advocated the adoption by the federal government of a unicameral legislature.]

1-21-02 / 1-22-02 Double Issue. Could you transmit a message to George Bush. Ask the President to call Claire Hirshfield. Dr. Hirshfield could solve the whole India/Pakistan dispute in 10 minutes -- 15 minutes at the most. Dr. "H" is the world's leading authority on partition, and understands those Pakkies like nobody else. Once she's solved the India/Pakistan dispute, she can move on to the Middle-East. It's all the same case. [Includes my drawing, with the phrase "line of control" pointing to a line separating India (Israel) and Pakistan (Palestine).]

[Dr. Hirshfield is History Professor Emeritus at Penn State's Abington campus. She was the finest teacher I have ever had in any field.]

1-23-02 When I was in the ninth grade in high school, I had a home room teacher named Barbara Sandler. Her husband was a medical student. I can recall that in school year (1968-1969), my geometry teacher [Santo Diano] was out one day. Who did they bring in as a substitute? None other than Barbara Sandler's husband. I can recall that someone in class had some fruit flies (drosophila melanogaster) in a bottle, and Sandler sternly warned that you shouldn't play with fruit flies because they can carry diseases (they are what we in the medical profession call -- vectors).

["Vector" is a play on words. In medicine a vector is an organism or animal that carries disease ( a mosquito, for example, is a vector in malaria). A vector is also a term in mathematics.]

1-23-02 You know what really galls me? -- When a Britisher complains that other people don't do their job! Why, if it weren't for us bloody yanks, those Britishers would be speaking German today and curtsying to the Kaiser. My advice? Next time the Britishers get spooked by the Huns, let them do their own job! ! !

[Handwritten note, with a pointing arrow:] Did you read this one?

1-24-02 Here's the story behind the story re: one of the tenants. [Note is appended to CV of Brock Hansen, a licensed social worker whose professional office is located at 3801 Connecticut Avenue. Document is printed out from the internet.]

1-25-02 You might want to check into Michael Shapiro, M.D. (230th class - Central High School). Subject & I were in the same English class in the ninth grade (Ming the Merciless was the teacher). Subject got A's all the way through the school year, an unusual accomplishment in Ming's class. Subject is now a medical doctor who practices in Colorado. Why do I have the feeling that Feldman already told you about Shapiro?

1-28-02 This is something to bring to David Castleberry's attention: On Saturday (1-26-02), someone did a move-out and didn't finally finish until 11:00 PM. The rule is no move-ins or move-outs after 5:00 PM. Can I have permission to throw eggs on people who don't follow the rules? Also, since Mr. Castleberry advised tenants not to place things on the floors in the trash rooms, I've been taking my beer bottles (I have to drink beer for health reasons) down to the basement. But I notice other people still leave their junk on the floors. -- Bastards!

1-29-02 Somebody left the attached magazine in the magazine exchange in the library yesterday (1-28-02). I had the idea it refers to my successful book that I'm working on. Or is it just wishful thinking on my part? By the way, how is Marciarose doing? Is she looking forward to the Easter Parade?

[Attached is cover of October 1990 issue of the magazine "Home Office Computing" with the cover story "FIRED INTO SUCCESS! When the End of a Job Means the Beginning of a Business." Depicts man in business suit carrying a briefcase being fired out of a cannon, with a rainbow above the man's head.

[Marciarose is a longtime TV personality in Philadelphia. She used to cover the Easter Parade in Philadelphia. She is married to Jerome Schestak, Esq., a nationally-prominent attorney and past president of the American Bar Association. Schestak's law partner is bankruptcy attorney Michael Temin, Esq., brother of the late Howard Temin, who won a Nobel prize in medicine and about whom I write in my autobiography. Both Temin brothers are Central High School graduates (first honor men). Schestak's son (Jonathan?) is in the movie business. Former Akin Gump attorney (and Clinton Administration cabinet secretary) Dan Glickman is currently president of the Motion Picture Association of America.]

1-30-02 Message for Dr. Kay Tatum: I declare that there is always something weird about a girl who majors in French. She has entered into her course of study, first of all knowing full well that it can only lead to her becoming a French teacher, a very grim affair. The least of whose evils is poor pay, and the prospect of which should have been sufficient to send her straight into business or public relations. She has been betrayed into the study of French, heedless of the terrible consequences, by her enchantment with this language, which has ruined more young American women than any other foreign tongue.

[Kay Tatum, Esq. is an Akin Gump partner; she holds a Ph.D. in French. The quoted material is from Michael Chabon's novel, "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh."]

1-31-02 There's a noticeable quietness in the Cleveland Park Library. A kind of circumspection. -- Or is it that my antipsychotic meds have kicked in. I'm still taking 5 mg/day. Here's a name from the distant past -- June Persing. She used to be Alec Peters' secretary. (I saw Dave Castleberry in his office this morning -- He looked chipper).

[Alec Peters headed the Science Information Services Department at The Franklin Institute, in Philadelphia, where I worked from 1970 to 1979.]

2-1-02 This will give you an idea of how my thinking has NOT changed while I'm on antipsychotic meds (5 mg/day). Yesterday at the library, Barbara, the librarian, came to me when I first got onto the computer and handed me a piece of scrap paper with a computer web site written on it: She said the site features reviews of music recordings. My paranoid interpretation was that she wanted me to get caught up on the web site so that I wouldn't have time to work on my book. -- Again, we see her passive aggression.

[Attached is scrap of paper: page from calendar, with "" written on it. An alternative, though not inconsistent, interpretation of Barbara's behavior is that it was related to the message on 1-30-02 about Kay Tatum. Barbara Gauntt (the librarian) has a bachelor's degree in French.]

2-4-02 Here's somebody to look into, if you want to do a little legwork. RENEE QUARLES. She was Bernard ("Bernie") Epstein's secretary at The Franklin Institute, in the 1970's. Today is Dr. Palombo's birthday. -- He's moving into his prime.

[The word "prime" might be a play on words. I always thought that Bernie Epstein had a physical resemblance to Federal Reserve Chairman, Alan Greenspan. Coincidentally, both Greenspan and Epstein play the saxophone.]

2-5-02 Here's somebody to look into: Michael Durst, Esq. Subject was a young lawyer at Sagot & Jennings. He left the firm in the summer of 1981 to attend New York University's Master's Program in taxation. Ask him if he remembers Anna Kemp. (If you don't get it, you don't get it.) I think Durst knew I was a pre-morbid psychotic.

[Anna Kemp was a party in firm litigation.]

2-6-02 Somebody has written a book about the tenants in apt. 146.

[Refers to a recently-published book about Daniel Ellsberg.]

2-6-02 Yesterday I told you about Michael Durst, the tax attorney. Well, wouldn't you guess-- as if on cue, someone left a copy of the "American Express Tax Guide" in the magazine exchange in the library. (I'm still loving my antipsychotic meds -- they are incredible).

[Attached is first page of the "American Express Tax Guide 1999."]

2-7-02 Here's somebody to look into: Randall J Sommovilla, Esq. Subject was an attorney at the law firm of Sagot & Jennings. He worked part-time off-site. His sole task was writing briefs for appeals. Maybe that's something I could look into for work. Maybe I should call my old friend Bobby S. about that.

[One of the previous messages refers to "Bob Strauss on the Boxers vs. Briefs Controversy." This message may carry a sexual allusion.]

2-8-02 Last night I received a telephone call: The caller asked for "Elizabeth Freedman" -- you think the call was an innocent mistake? Possible interpretation: Elizabeth Freedman -- Elizabeth Nietzsche -- Friedrich Nietzsche -- Daniel Ellsberg -- My letter to you dated 2-6-02 about biography of Dan Ellsberg in apt. 146. On another matter: I noticed there's something in common with all those model buildings that Dave Castleberry puts together -- What does it mean that The U.S. Capitol, The Duomo in Florence, and The Taj Mahal all have a dome?

2-11-02 I saw Eleanor Holmes Norton at the Martin Luther King Library on Saturday afternoon (2/9/02). She was participating in a federal income tax program for District residents. I wonder if she saw me -- I was the good-looking white dude. By the way, Prof. Norton looks good in hot pink.

2-12-02 I'm taking so much medication, I feel like a walking drug store.

Ambien (for sleep)
Zoloft (for depression)
Zyprexa (for paranoia)
Anafranil (for obsessiveness)
Wellbutrin (for depression)

Do you see any changes in me? I wonder what Jay Amsterdam. M.D. would say about this drug cocktail. I've been edgy & tense since last week, when I started this.

[Jay D. Amsterdam, M.D. is a psychopharmacologist, associated with The University of Pennsylvania Medical School in Philadelphia. I participated in a drug study conducted by Dr. Amsterdam, in 1978.]

2-13-02 I got another telephone call last night for 'Elizabeth Freedman." -- I think it's legitimate. Maybe I was being paranoid! By the way, I think I'm falling for Ignacio. I'm wanting his hot Latino body. He's one senor you can't ignore.

2-14-02 I'm running low on things to tell you about. I've told you about every person in my background. I have only one thing left -- My paranoid impressions. Yesterday in the library I noticed that the staff had a specific and identical expression on their faces when they saw me. They all smiled except the head librarian -- he's generally not a smiler. I'm wanting you badly, Ignacio.

2-15-02 A quiet day yesterday. Nothing to report -- I have a message for Velvel-- Velvel -- You know that sister yesterday who was asking you about a copy of the Rules of D.C. Superior Court? She's mental. You suggested that she go to MLK. I don't think you heard what she said out loud when she went back to her seat. She said: "Martin Luther King Library is a ghetto library for ghetto people. I'm not going to Martin Luther King." -- I myself like MLK, and I be white ! ! !

2-18-02 / 2-19-02 Somebody did a move-out (or move-in) on Sunday evening (2-17-02). The U-haul truck didn't pull out till about 9:45 PM. That's against the rules!

2-20-02 Here's an assignment: Look into an individual named Melinda Given Guttman. Professor of Speech, Theater & Media Studies (John Jay College), City University of New York. She published a book on one of Freud's early patients (Bertha Pappenheim). She is a protege of Margaret Brenman-Gibson. The cited book is dedicated to Margaret Brenman-Gibson.

2-21-02 Yesterday (2-20) in the library Charles Davis was telling the head librarian the cost of something. Davis said: "It's $47.01." Then, repeated that. I thought: "That's an odd price for anything." Then I thought: "That's where my old friend Craig [Dye] lives (or lived), 4701 Connecticut." You think that was just coincidence?

2-22-02 Please reassure Mrs. Joyce that I did not hear -- or overhear -- what she was talking about this morning. Her secret -- whatever it is -- is safe. She seemed to go scurrying off when she saw me coming up the steps from the first floor. By the way -- How is Vicki Abt? It's now 30 years exactly.

[Vicki Abt is a sociology professor at Penn State's Abington campus. I took an introductory sociology course taught by Abt. Abt has appeared on the Today Show and has written a book on TV talk shows that featured a discussion of Oprah Winfrey. Abt would be about 60 years old now.]

2-25-02 I worked on my bibliography this weekend at American University. You can tell the head librarian (at Cleveland Park) that I plan to make another copy of my book, using the library's computers. He may not like me using so much paper, but you're allowed 10 pages per day. So, my use falls within the rules.

[The repeated reference to "the rules" in various contexts suggests that it has some importance. The references might relate to Wagner's opera Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg. Possible confirmation of this inference emerges at a later point in these diary entries.]

2-26-02 I saw Carlos [Chalbaud] in the library yesterday. Apparently he survived 9/11. As you can see nothing's been going on with me.

2-27-02 Yesterday, when I got to the library, Carlos was sitting at a table, waiting to get on a computer. I intentionally sat at another table, to avoid sitting next to Carlos. Now, the head librarian thinks I might actually be straight after all. I guess I've got HIM fooled!

2-27-02 Message for William Nussbaum-- Weren't you the Hogan lawyer who had that New Deal poster in your office -- "Freedom from Want" or some such thing? (Or am I, pardon the term, "crazy?")

[In August 2004 I wrote to Nussbaum requesting that he negotiate an immunity agreement for Brian Brown under which Brown would divulge everything he knows about Akin Gump in return for immunity from prosecution. Nussbaum responded, declining the proposition, but referring me to the DC Bar Referral Service.]

2-28-02 Speaking of Hogan partners, I can remember that Catherine Lacroix (with whom I worked for the client Mercedes Benz) had a photograph in her office that was taken when she was an undergrad at Harvard. The photo shows Lacroix with other students together with Daniel Patrick Moynihan, who was a professor of government.

3-1-02 Yesterday was a quiet day. See you Monday.

3-4-02 Sheila J. Landers was a staff attorney at the General Counsel's Office at The U.S. International Trade Commission, when I interned there in 1984. She is now practicing at Bill Coleman's firm, O'Melveny & Myers at Columbia Square (555 13th Street, NW). By the way, 69 years ago exactly Franklin D. Roosevelt became President of the U.S.

3-5-02 Another name: Glenn A. Fine, Esq. Subject was a law clerk at the firm of Hogan & Hartson in the fall of 1985, when I first started working at the firm. Subject worked in an office on the second floor. At that time (Sept-Dec 1985) I worked with Charles (Chas) Green in the second floor library. I believe subject had two degrees from Harvard (bachelor's and law degrees). On one occasion subject sneered when he overheard me say to Charles Green -- "I have a brilliant legal mind." (I do!) I think subject knew I was a homosexual who wanted to drag him behind the stacks and hump his ass.

3-6-02 I feel so much better now that I've some clean, now that I've come out of the closet. Yes, I loved Glenn Fine. Is that so terrible? It was the love that dare not speak its name. I loved Glenn in a way you'll never understand. He was the most wonderful person I've ever "known!"

3-7-02 As you may have heard, there's a concern that terrorists could get a nuclear bomb, and set it off here in D.C. No need to panic. What you need to do, -- and I'm serious -- You'll have to get Judy Glassie to agree to have this entire building encased in lead. Lead is the only thing that will block out gamma rays. It would probably only cost a few hundred thousand dollars. Remember -- only living tenants pay rent!

[There's a possible sexual allusion to the reference to a nuclear explosion. See message at
3-8-02. Also, it was President Franklin Roosevelt who undertook the development of the atom bomb.]

3-8-02 Message for Glenn Fine -- Dear Glenn -- Last night with you was bliss. I fear that my orgasm has left me a cripple. P.S. -- Enjoyed the cabin!

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode. Note that the message referring to FDR's first inaugural (3-4-02) ushered in the arc of Glenn Fine messages. Incidentally, FDR died in a cabin-like structure in Warm Springs, GA, where he underwent treatment for paralysis.]

3-11-02 I mailed a copy of my autobiography to Glenn Fine at the Justice Department. The book is contained on two computer discs. Do you think anybody will read it -- or just throw it away? Glenn Fine, Inspector General of the U.S.

3-12-02 I'm still waiting for the shit to hit the fan-- I'm waiting to see what reaction I get when Glenn Fine gets my letter. You gotta love those letters!

[The letter to Fine inquired about employment at the IG's office.]

3-12-02 Mr. Cookson [the building engineer] did a good job yesterday -- in record time I may add. Give that man a raise! (I love you, Glenn.)

3-14-02 A quiet day yesterday. I saw my psychologist and we talked about my love for Glenn Fine, the only man I ever loved.

3-15-02 I'm thinking of sending an employment inquiry to Douglas Feith, Esq. (Central High School, 230th class). Feith is an official in the Defense Department. He's been working on the nuclear arms agreement with Russia that Pres. Bush plans to sign in Moscow in May. I love you Glenn!

3-18-02 It was a quiet weekend. My life, generally, is lacking in what you call excitement.

3-19-02 Another boring day, with nothing to report. I need a man to love.

[The phrase "I need a man to love" is a quote attributed to President Woodrow Wilson in the Freud/Bullitt psychobiography of Wilson. According to Freud, President Wilson's relations with significant males, such as Colonel House, reflected a dual father-son identification in which Wilson could play the idealized, noble father to a common son in need of rescue; and alternatively play the common son in need of rescue, assigning other males the role of the fantasized, idealized father.]

3-20-02 Here's a message for the head librarian at the Cleveland Park Branch-- There's a patron named "John F." -- He uses the computer and makes way over the permitted number of pages -- seems like he routinely makes 20-30 copies. -- "John F." Check him out.

["John F." may be an allusion to President Kennedy.]

3-21-02 Here's an interesting factoid: Harvard Law Professor Lawrence Tribe has a brother who is a child psychiatrist, Alexander Tribe, M.D., who practices in Walnut Creek, California (the Bay Area, I think).

3-22-02 Have a good weekend!

3-25-02 My sex life isn't all that great. I'm thinking I should have become a catholic priest -- my tool would be jumpin'

[Brian Brown is a practicing Catholic.]

3-26-02 I think about Glenn all the time. He was my one and only. I never forgot about him. The few times, the few moments we had together I have always cherished in my memory. Yes, Glenn, I loved you. More than Romeo loved Juliet, more than Mikhail loved Raisa, more than Smith loved Wesson. Glenn, oh, Glenn -- we could have been so happy together. But our lives intersect once again ! ! !

3-27-02 I think I'm falling for Ignacio, at the library. He's hot & he's Latino. I have fantasies of dragging him behind the stacks, and humping his hot, hairy, Latino ass. Ignacio -- Love you, Sweet Heart. Will you be my smokin' bitch?

3-28-02 I plan to send an employment inquiry to Judge Richard Klein, PA Superior Court (Appeals Court). He was one of my instructors at Temple Law School, which, incidentally, is named for Judge Klein's father (also a judge) -- "The Charles Klein Building."

[I did, in fact, send an employment inquiry to Judge Klein; the letter was virtually identical to the one I sent to Glenn Fine at DOJ. Judge Klein did not reply. Judge Klein taught a course in trial advocacy that I took in law school.]

3-29-02 Prince Abdullah was here the other night. So he says to me: Freedman, I've got an offer you can't refuse -- a real opportunity." I say: "Tell me more." So, Abdullah says: "I'll give you a lifetime supply of oil, if you'll agree to cut off your left foot." I said, "Abdullah, I'm intrigued, but I have to tell you right now, I don't drive, so what do I do with all that oil? And if I cut off my left foot, how does that help the fungus infection on my right foot?" -- "But please, tell me more!"

[Ridicules the Saudi Middle-East peace plan. The character Hans Sachs in the opera Die Meistersinger is a shoemaker.]

4-1-02 He ends up under siege in a bunker. Why am I not surprised? All you need is a couple cyanide capsules and a woman named Eva -- and you'll be all set for summer reruns.

[Refers to Yassir Arafat confined to his compound in Ramallah. Alludes to Hitler and his mistress, Eva Braun (Brian Brown?). Note that the leading female character in Wagner's opera Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg is named Eva.]

4-02-02 I saw Ben Wattenberg yesterday, at a CVS pharmacy. He was purchasing athlete's foot spray. I, personally, think he should get a brush for his think tank.

[The character Hans Sachs in the opera Die Meistersinger is a shoemaker.]

4-3-02 Message for Yassir Arafat: Take the one-way ticket. Believe me, you won't get a better deal. Just make sure you're wearing that rag on your head when you file for disability. File for a mental disability. Believe me, you won't have a problem getting your claim approved.

[Refers to offer by Israeli government to permit Arafat to leave his compound at Ramallah if he agrees not to come back to the country. Incidentally, a handkerchief plays a role in the opening action in the opera Die Meistersinger.]
4-4-02 Here's my one recollection of L. Patrick Swygert. Swygert was a law professor at Temple University Law School when I was a student there. He is now the president of Howard University. In the fall of 1981 I took a course in real estate transactions, taught by Joseph Passon. On one occasion Passon and Swygert were chatting before class. Swygert said he had eaten at McDonalds. He said he didn't usually eat there, but that every once in a while he (Swygert) needed a "grease fix."

4-5-02 Message for Adam Shapiro-- What's it like having breakfast with Hitler? How did you keep your food down, you little ass-kissing freak?

[Shapiro was a young American Jew who paid a sympathy visit to Arafat, who was confined to his compound in Ramallah. Shapiro and his family later received numerous death threats from American Jews.]

4-8-02 I told my psychologist that I'm not certain anymore whether you come in here everyday and read these notes. Please, please don't abandon me. You're my only contact with the outside world. (By the way, the couple in apt. 137 are a lively pair).

[The message suggests my identification with the isolated Arafat. See message on 4-5-02.]

4-9-02 Yesterday was a quiet day.

4-10-02 Here's my solution to the Mid-East crisis. What you do is make former Philadelphia Mayor, Wilson Goode, Prime Minister of Israel. He'd know how to deal with Arafat. Goode would drop a bomb on top of Arafat's compound in Ramallah. Good-bye, Yassir!

[In 1985 Philadelphia Mayor Wilson Goode suggested that the police drop a bomb on the roof of the home where the radical group "Move" had isolated itself, in West Philadelphia.]

4-11-02 A rare moment of Agreement:

ARIEL SHARON: We're going to chew him up . . .

YASSIR ARAFAT: . . .and spit him out.

[Apparently refers to the upcoming visit of a Mid-East peace envoy.]

4-12-02 What's the meaning of the policy of keeping the chocolate donuts hidden away? Don't you know? I NEED chocolate?

[Undated] The magazine is a nice touch, don't you think?-- It completes the total, super-fag look. Tres chic.

["Chocolate donuts hidden away:" Possible allusion to the symbolic meaning of the anus: "the secret place" where things are "hidden away." The message, when read in the context of the previous messages, suggests an implied comparison between the anus, on the one hand, and, on the other, my isolation in my apartment and Arafat's isolation in his compound.]

4-15-02 [Time Magazine cartoon of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, with the caption:
"Arafat . . . Can't live with him, can't shoot him!" I have added the handwritten note:] Muscle Tough!

["Muscle Tough" is a play on the Hebrew "Maazel Tov," or "good luck."]

4-15-02 Please thank Mr. Castleberry for putting the chairs on the sun roof. I was pleasantly surprised on Saturday when I went up to the roof, and everything was set up. Good job!

4-16-02 Message for Mr. Castleberry -- Thanks for turning on the AC -- It's delightful! Bully!

["It's delightful! Bully!" is an allusion to President Theodore Roosevelt, who, incidentally, won a Nobel Peace Prize for his mediation of the Russo-Japanese War of 1905].

4-17-02 They chewed him up and spit him out -- You heard it here first.

[Refers to an unsuccessful peace mediation effort in the Middle-East.]

4-18-02 In my opinion, there's entirely too much vacuuming in this building. Tenants here are fairly clean. You don't really need to vacuum every day. Also, Mrs. Joyce is late every day. She makes Eddie wait. That's not fair. Show some consideration, Mrs. Joyce.

4-19-02 Message for my Palestinian friends: People in booby-trapped houses shouldn't throw stones!

4-22-02 Did you see the movie: "Changing Lanes?" Here's the Middle-East version --

ARIEL SHARON: See what I can do to you?

YASSIR ARAFAT: I want my life back.

4-23-02 Today is Shakespeare's birthday. Got anything planned?

4-24-02 A little nippy out there, isn't it? I'm being too polite. It's fucking cold out there. "Luxury apartments" -- my ass.

[Note the association of my apartment with the anus. See message on 4-12-02.]

4-25-02 Difficult session with my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer, yesterday afternoon. She doesn't seem to understand my love for Glenn Fine. She didn't want to review a computer disc I tried to give her, a disc that contained the results of my investigation of Glenn Fine. I was hurt by her actions. My love for Glenn is deep and probably eternal. I want to be a part of the Glenn Fine world. I [heart] Glenn.

4-26-02 Quiet day, yesterday. Stop back on Monday.

4-30-02 There was another "illegal" move-in/move-out on Saturday night. The truck didn't move out till about 9:00 PM. What's the good of rules if you don't enforce them?

4-30-02 I had some ideas for a new line of Barbie dolls.

"Unlawful Termination Barbie:" You pull a string in the back, and the doll commits perjury.

"Intifada Barbie:" You pull a string in the back and the damn thing blows up.

[Note the implied identification between my feelings about my job termination, on the one hand, and, on the other, the grievances of Palestinians against the Israelis. "Claus Barbie" was the name of a Nazi war criminal who was captured in the year 1985.]

5-1-02 Happy May Day!

5-2-02 Yassir Arafat: "I'm back, baby, I'm back!"

5-3-02 I think I'm falling for Ben S. at the library. He's looking for a literary agent.

["Ben S." was a library patron who used the public access computers.]

5-6-02 Yesterday was Cinqo de Mayo. It was a sad day for me. I longed for all my Latino friends, particularly, my dear friend, Ignacio. Love you, babe.

5-7-02 Sat directly across from Ben S. at the library. W-O-W. When I got home I had to have a private moment. Man, when that white sticky stuff started to fly it was a wild scene. Thanks, Ben. You gave me the big one I was waiting for!

[Ben S. was tall. Possible allusion to "Big Ben" in London, and implicitly, to the passage of time.]

5-8-02 Nothing new to report. I saw Carlos [Chalbaud] yesterday. He seems to be putting on some weight. He needs to work out.

5-9-02 Saw Carlos in the library. It was nice to see his smiling face. I might ask Carlos out on a date.

5-10-02 I saw Julie Sherman this morning at about 10 minutes before 7 AM. She looked at me really oddly. (Julie Sherman is the President of the Tenants Association). What's up with that? How would Julie Sherman even know who I am?

5-13-02 I had a Pepsi weekend. Brittany Spears stopped by accompanied by Bob Strauss. Brittany Spears was thinking young; Bob Strauss was talking earnings projections. A good time was had by all!

[Strauss is a member of the Pepsi-Cola Board of Directors. A possible implicit association between a desire for youth and a desire for wealth, both of which I am in short supply.]

5-14-02 / 5-15-02 (Double Issue) What do you get when you sprinkle salt water on a brownie? You get a Brine Brownie! (I haven't lost my sense of humor.)

[Brine Brownie is a play on the name Brian Brown (psychoanalytically, suggestive of oral incorporation and pathological mourning. Brine is used as a meat preservative, suggestive of the use of formaldehyde in embalming.)]

5-16-02 Yesterday, Carlos had just left the library when I arrived. I was devastated! If only we had come together -- that would have been cool.

["Come together" is an apparent sexual allusion.]

5-17-02 It's 6:21 PM. Thursday, 5-16. There's a guy outside (looks like a Marine) -- He's doing an illegal move-in. Not only that-- their truck is parked in the zone reserved for the front-desk clerk. Bastards!

5-20-02 There's been some talk that Al Qaeda may be planning to rent an apartment in a high-rise, simply to bring explosives in and blow them up. May I recommend a site for my friends at Al Qaeda?-- Why don't you choose 3883 Connecticut Avenue -- The building won't be missed.

[3883 Connecticut, an apartment building directly across from my window, completed in 2002, blocks the view from my apartment.]

5-21-02 Check out Alex Zapruder's book, "Salvaged Pages," published by Yale University Press. It's a Holocaust book. There's no business like Shoah business!

[Zapruder is romantically involved with my old friend Craig Dye. She has worked at the Holocaust Museum. "Shoah" is Hebrew for the Holocaust. Zapruder's father won a $15 million settlement with the U.S. Government over ownership of the so-called Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination. Note the implication that the Zapruders exploit the suffering of others for financial gain.]

5-22-02 Carlos was at the library yesterday. Muy, muy caliente! ! By the way, today is Sy Glanzer's birthday.

[Seymour Glanzer is an attorney with Dickstein Shapiro, which represented Akin Gump in the lawsuit McNeil v. Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld (Robert Higgins, Esq.). Glanzer used to practice at the Justice Department and is a friend or acquaintance of Len Garment. Glanzer has a degree from the Juilliard School and is apparently a musician. May 22 is also the birthday of the composer Richard Wagner.]

5-23-02 How did you celebrate Sy Glanzer's birthday? I had a wild time.

5-24-02 Here's my take on the Chandra Levy matter: In my opinion, nothing good has ever come out of Brandywine Street.

[The remains of Levy, a Congressional staffer, were found on Brandywine Street. Gertrude R. Ticho, MD, the psychiatric consultant who reportedly told Dennis Race I was delusional and potentially violent, resided on Brandywine Street. Psychoanalytically, in this context, "Brandywine" is a possible allusion to death; brandy is used to preserve fruit (as formaldehyde is used as an embalming fluid)].

5-27-02 / 5-28-02 I'm thinking of going to India for lunch. I hear they're opening a new deli. Specialty of the house? Anything fried.

[Refers to the escalating tensions between India and Pakistan and the possible use of nuclear weapons by both sides against each other.]

5-29-02 People say: "Why are you celibate?" "You're not a priest." I'll tell you why: I'm giving myself to Bob Strauss. That's right. I feel it makes me a better person -- because of abstinence, I'm able to give my whole being to Bob. Some young men are attracted to the priesthood, but they have a problem with celibacy. With me it's the opposite: I feel an attraction to celibacy and an aversion to Catholicism. But I have to say I like the collars -- Those collars priests wear. In fact those are the two best things about the priesthood. The collars and the celibacy.

[A dream interpretation I wrote, "The Dream of the Blue Oxford," that deals with my father's death, refers to the issue of a shirt collar and a dog collar and contains references to formaldehyde as a tissue preservative.)]

5-30-02 I planted some flower seeds in the planter on the roof (on the west side). Little green shoots are starting to come up. I hope people don't use the planter as an ash tray (which they've done in the past).

[Note the symbolism: the planter is analogous to the womb which houses a fertilized zygote; an ashtray is a repository of waste material. The message implies a confusion of vagina and anus.]

5-31-02 PRESIDENT VAJPAYEE [OF INDIA]: "Get me Claire Hirshfield -- and fahst! Hm, you smell that? Is something burning?"

[Refers to the India/Pakistan crisis and the feared use of nuclear weapons by both sides.]

6-3-02 PRIME MINISTER VAJPAYEE: To hell with the people-- How do we protect the cows?

6-4-02 Here's somebody you might want to check out: MOYLAN MILLS (Central High School, 188th class). Mills was my faculty adviser at Penn State (Abington -- 1971-1973). He is currently "Professor & Dept. Head of Integrative Arts" at Penn State's Abington Campus. Obviously, he is a graduate of my high school (Central HS).

6-5-02 Here's somebody to look into: BARBARA SIEGEL VAN HORNE. I worked with her at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia about 30 years ago:

She started in the summer of 1971;
She had worked as a librarian at the Phila. Public Library (Central Branch) previously;
She was originally from New York City;
She was Jewish; her husband (van Horne) was doing time for drugs -- he later died;
She was a devotee of the Wagner operas;
She got her job through Richard Groening;
She later worked for Joe Pitts;
She left in 1974; she got a job as a librarian at a college library-- a dream job for her.

6-6-02 Did I mention that Ben S. shaved his goatee and that he's looking very sexy, y muy, muy caliente? I think I'm going to ask the guy out.

6-10-02 / 6-7-02 [sic] Here's David Rosenbaum's telephone number-- 814 867 9227. I told you about Dave last year. -- 1970 Central High School grad (229th class). Played violin in orchestra. He wanted to be creative.

[Rosenbaum is now a professor of psychology at Penn State, my college alma mater.]

6-10-02 Below is a picture of my old supervisor [Christine Robertson] -- I think she's just spotted [Akin Gump managing partner] Larry Hoffman.

[Attached is page 73 of April 2002 issue of Esquire magazine depicting a female model sitting on a beach; she is sneering, her tongue is sticking out of her mouth; and she is making an obscene gesture with a finger of her right hand.]

6-11-02 You may have heard that terrorists have been considering building and detonating a so-called dirty bomb (a radiological dispersion device). As I pointed out before, only one thing can help us -- lead. You need to have a sheet of lead to block out gamma rays, etc. GET on this PRONTO ! !

6-12-02 Here's somebody to check out: ALAN BEDRICK, M.D. Subject graduated Central High School in 1970, & went on to get a B.S. & M.D. from Penn State. (He was in the 229 at Central). He specialized in pediatrics (that's kids). He used to hang out with the Chanin brothers at Central. I wonder if he remembers me?

[Bedrick is a neonatologist. The Chanin brothers also graduated from Penn State with degrees in psychology.]

6-13-02 I am an enema combatant. I am opposed to enemas, and I will combat them any way I can ! !

[Note that the message on 6-12 referred to a neonatologist. The reference to enemas on 6-13 may suggest a confusion of anus and vagina. This confusion has emerged in other diary entries.]

6-14-02 I've been writing to you for about a year now. Take a break -- and have a good weekend. I'll have something for you on Monday -- promise. My doctor [Dr. Ruttenberg], by the way, is allowing me to stop taking my anti-obsessive/compulsive medication. Do you see a difference?

[Refers to the drug Anafranil.]

6-17-02 [Pasted at top of page is a note cut out from a publication that states: "CHECK THIS OUT!"] I lied on Friday when I said I would have something for you today. That will teach you to trust a psychotic!

6-18-02 I think I've run into a dry spell -- Nothing to report -- Thinking of a mid-life career change -- I may run for Mayor of Nairobi.

[Nairobi is the capital of Kenya. Refers to high school classmate, Perry Rubenstein, whose stated career ambition in high school was to be Prime Minister of Kenya.]

6-19-02 For the Chapter: "I was a Teenage Homosexual." I can remember the first time I set eyes on the future Prime Minister of Kenya. It was on the afternoon of September 5, 1969 -- a Friday -- in chemistry lab (near the south lawn). I remember looking around, and seeing a face I had never seen before. I thought, "Did he just transfer to "Boys Nation"? This is really queer, but I think I can recall what he was wearing at the time: a banlon shirt (rust in color -- you know, the color of ferrous oxide). Little did I know then that one day he would be elected head of state, and that my own career would be tragically, suddenly, and brutally ended by a mad terminator who had affiliated with someone with ties to Moscow and the Communist Party of the Soviet Union. -- Perry, We Hardly Knew Ya!

[President Clinton, in his youth, was a member of Boys Nation. At about age 16 President Clinton and fellow Boys Nation members got to meet then President Kennedy (on the South Lawn?) at the White House. I suspect there are allusions here to father idealization, the desire to emulate a father figure, but also the homosexual anxiety associated with placing the self in the passive position of fulfilling the father's ambitions. See Peter Blos, "Freud and the Father Complex." The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Note my dual identification with both President Kennedy (father figure) and the young Bill Clinton (son figure). The fact that President Kennedy was assassinated suggests Oedipal concerns. Note how I conflate the assassination of President Kennedy with the issue of my job termination, as if I see myself as an assassination victim.

I have a remote association to this message, which can be interpreted as relating to the issue of successorship, a "passing of the torch" from one generation to the next. I associate the message to the opening chorus of Wagner's opera, Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg:

When the Savior [the young Bill Clinton] came to thee [John the Baptist/President Kennedy],
willingly accepted thy baptism,
offered Himself up to a sacrificial death,
He gave the covenant for our salvation
that we might consecrate ourselves through His [Bill Clinton's] baptism
so as to be worthy of His sacrifice.
Noble Baptist [President Kennedy]!
Christ's [Bill Clinton's] precursor!
Receive us graciously
there by the river Jordan.

John Kennedy in becoming President fulfilled his father's ambitions and, in doing so, ultimately met his death. Psychoanalytically, this fact may relate to castration anxiety or homosexual anxiety associated with fulfilling the father's ambitions. See Blos, P. "Freud and the Father Complex." The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child. Note that all the named parties suffered a demise of one sort or other: John the Baptist was beheaded, President Kennedy was assassinated; Christ was crucified (and, according to believers, rose again), President Clinton was impeached (and was acquitted).


GEORGE H.W. BUSH: I should have killed him when I had a chance.

ARIEL SHARON: Right. Tell me about it.

[Bush's comment refers to Saddam Hussein. Sharon's comment refers to Yassir Arafat.]

6-21-02 I had an odd impression at the library yesterday (6-20-02). The branch librarian -- I don't know his name -- for the sake of convenience I'll call him "Brian"; well, "Brian" was talking to someone, and I noticed an unusual modulation in his voice, a kind of animated tone. It was as if "Brian" were mimicking someone else who had been talking in an excited manner. Of course, I thought this was related to me somehow. -- Have a good summer.

[Significantly, this is the first instance in which I refer to Brian Patrick Brown by name. Circumstantial psychoanalytic evidence suggests that my association to the beginning of summer ("Have a good summer") is significant. Wagner's opera, Die Meistersinger von Nurnberg takes place on St. John's Day, which is June 21, the first day of summer. Odd, don't you think? The opera features a symbolic father-son relationship between an older, experienced Master (Hans Sachs) and the young, and highly ambitious son figure (Walther von Stolzing). Sigmund Freud had a special fondness for Meistersinger and wrote about the opera in a letter to his special friend, Wilhelm Fliess.

"The Meistersinger afforded me a strange pleasure. A parallel between [my friend and protector] Breuer and H. Sachs is forced upon me by the circumstance that he too was in the theater. I was sympathetically moved by the 'morning dream interpretation melody.'" Sigmund Freud to Wilhelm Fliess.

Of interest is the fact that in the third act of the opera, Walther writes a song but has not titled it. Upon hearing the song, Sachs -- in an outburst of emotion in which he compares Walther's lyrical creation to the birth of a child -- says "I give the song the name 'The Blissful Morning Dream Interpretation Melody.'" Sachs refers to his act of naming the song as "a baptism."

Psychoanalytically, the wider implications of the issue of "the name" probably relates to the issue of personal identity. Incidentally, I was born on December 23, 1953 -- near the beginning of the winter solstice -- the astronomical polar opposite of the beginning of summer (June 21). One of the few occasions on which I made a personal comment to Brian Brown was on about December 24, 2003, the day after my fiftieth birthday. "Brian," I said, "yesterday was my birthday. Do you have a policy of giving a present to patrons on their birthdays? What I had in mind was -- could you give me one of those T-shirts?" ("The Friends of the Cleveland Park Library," a volunteer group, raises funds for the library through the sale of commemorative T-shirts and other souvenir items.) The Cleveland Park Library celebrated its fiftieth anniversary in the year 2003. The library opened in the year of my birth, 1953. Brian Brown's ban on my access to the library (an institution with which I have a strong personal identification), in April 2004, was probably experienced by me as an extreme narcissistic loss.]

6-24-02 So, Malcolm says: "Zibelman? Who the hell is Zibelman? Is it one of his girlfriends?" No, it's not. Jeffrey Zibelman was a student in my 12th grade English class in high school (1970-1971). He graduated from Penn State in Spring 1975, in my graduating class. (By the way, what is EEC [Zibelman's college major])? (Not every Penn State graduate can become a big-time real estate lawyer [like Akin Gump attorney Earl Segal, Esq.]). He looked like a compulsive reader. The only activity he lists in the high school yearbook is "library aide." [See message, above, dated 6-21-04]. Check out my high school yearbook, page 235 (Upper Left). It's Mr. Plummer's English class. You can catch a good shot of my back (my head is directly under the teacher's head). There's a Jeffrey Zibelman who is an elementary school principal at a school in central Pennsylvania (phone 814 796-2060). Zibelman appeared to be a non-joiner in high school and college. He also appears to be anti-necktie.

[My father worked as a garment cutter in a neckwear factory. He had a disdain for people who did not wear a necktie in socially appropriate circumstances. "Look at him, he should be wearing a tie," my father used to say. Note that my father "cut cloth." (Possible reference to castration fears?)

6-25-02 I have a message for Brian -- Your hair looked really nice, yesterday, Brian. -- The body, the bounce, the sheen. Are you using a new conditioner, Brian? --Just keep on doing what you're doing, Brian.

[My father had male-pattern baldness, and I suspected that he envied my hair. Note that hair, like cloth, is "cut." (Possible reference to castration fears?)]

6-25-02 Here's the George Bush Mid-East Peace Plan, as reported in "Variety." WEST BANK STORY. Is it going to be "Sunday in the Gaza Strip With George" or "Two States Side by Side by Sondheim?"

[Stephen Sondheim was Leonard Bernstein's lyricist -- the two had a professional partnership.]


YASSIR ARAFAT: There's a place for us.

[Refers to "West Side Story," a musical by Bernstein and Sondheim, based on Romeo and Juliet.]

6-27-02 Here's what I've noticed at the library. For a while Pauline [Jones, who works at the circulation desk] was saying "Hello, how are you?" [to me]. Now, that's stopped, and she's gone back to being the black-ice princess.

6-28-02 A strange and distressing incident happened yesterday afternoon (6/27) at about 3:55 PM - 4:00 PM at the Georgia Avenue/Petworth Metro Station. A Metro transit cop (white male) stopped me near the kiosk on the mezzanine above the track level. He asked me where I was coming from, where I was headed, whether I had anything on me he should know about -- drugs, needles -- He asked to see my arms to check for injection marks, asked if I use drugs or ever used drugs. I told him I was in the neighborhood to visit the mental health center (I had a consult with my psychologist, Dr. Shaffer). He asked me the address (I said 1125 Spring Road). He stated that there was a lot of drug trafficking in the neighborhood. His manner was mildly intimidating, and not at all friendly. The only reason I can see for the stop was that I was white in an overwhelmingly black/Hispanic neighborhood. I think it was racial profiling. What was his probable cause for the stop? At no time did he initiate physical contact. He declined to see my ID, which I offered.

[Note the reference to personal identity: the issue of "the name," in the form of ID. See the message on 6-21-02.]


PRESIDENT'S PHYSICIAN: Mr. President, just say "go" when you're ready.

PRESIDENT BUSH: Hold it right there! You're not doing any inserting in that area!!

Now, onto a totally unrelated topic: Saturday (6-29) I had an idea of reference in the library. In the magazine exchange, someone left a catalogue that was concealed under a magazine. The only part of the catalogue that was visible was the lower right-hand corner (arrow pointing to cutout portion of catalogue). It shows a male model with his hand near the full Monty in his pants -- and the phrase "Escape with Perry." I thought it referred to Rubenstein, the heterosexual from Philadelphia.

[The attached portion of the catalogue says: "Escape with Perry Ellis." Rubenstein "escaped" to Florida during spring break in the 11th grade in high school.]

7-2-02 Message for Brian-- Listen, guy, I don't like being hassled by patrons in the library. Louise, your geriatric friend, is a pain in the ass. But she doesn't have much time left, and the day is coming when she'll be gone. But there's someone else who really riles me. Her name (which I picked up from the computer sign-in form) is either "Lori" or "Seidman." A few weeks ago she got into an ugly dispute with Velvel. Yesterday was my turn. Yesterday, my buddy Ben and I were on the computer. The patron in question signs up, then asks Ben if he's going to take all his time. He says he might. (She asks this of people -- including me -- every time she signs up.) She turns to me -- I KNOW what she's going to say, and I burst out "Yes, I am" before she finished asking me the question. She walks away without comment. Ben gets off the computer and the patron gets on. She says nothing to me. Then I get off the computer, I stand to leave, and Velvel tells me nobody is waiting to get on, and that I can stay on for a bit longer, -- which I do. Then the patron starts in -- saying to me: "He lets you stay on past your time. Gee, aren't you lucky. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy." She looks at me. I said nothing and did not return her gaze. She left me alone after that. My provisional diagnosis-- Borderline or narcissistic personality disorder.

1. Note the envy (She thinks I'm getting special favors)

2. Note the hypersensitivity (she was hurt by my "rudeness" and did not, or was unable, to metabolize her pain -- that pain remained for apparently 15 minutes)

3. Projective Identification -- Her comments to me were an attempt to get me into a scene, thereby transferring her angry state to me. She could, in turn, play the victim, i.e., the victim of my anger toward her.

4. Lack of empathy / intrusiveness (boundary breach) / sense of entitlement: Her act of routinely approaching computer users to ask how long they are going to be on, without regard to how annoying she is by doing this as an invariant behavior. I suspect Velvel's problem is that he let her suck him into her game. Watch out for borderlines -- they're trouble.

7-3-02 Apropos of my letter of 7/2

MARSHALL MACLUHAN: Do you plan to use up your entire 15 minutes of fame?

BEN: I might.

MARSHALL MACLUHAN: And you, do you plan to --


7-4-02 / 7-5-02 Here's a recollection from July 1968, 34 years ago. I was in Atlantic City with my father. My father was talking to Edward Blum. Blum was talking about his two kids: Jay and Susan. He said that Jay (13 years old at the time) was taking guitar lessons, but that he spent his time playing his own stuff, instead of practicing his assigned music. Blum said that his daughter Susan (the older child) was working on "Clair de Lune" (by Debussy), a difficult piece. Susan Blum played piano. She entered Glasboro College (Where Lyndon met with the Commies in '67 -- Do you remember Kosygin's daughter [I think it was] went to a performance of the opera "La Gioconda" while she was in the states with daddy). Anyway, Susan Blum entered Glasboro with the intent to study music. She gave that up and majored in something else. Reportedly, she said music majors had to "eat, sleep, and breathe music" 24/7, which she couldn't do, -- anything connected to music I can recall. What I'm wondering is -- whatever happened to Eddie Lischin? I notice I never read about him in the alumni news letter. Did he ever do anything with his life -- like become a marine biologist? Or did he just end up pretending to be an architect? I remember the last time I saw him -- spring 1968. Jay Blum's bar mitzvah. He was sporting a ponytail. Who has a ponytail in a non-ponytail country? ?

[Compare the message dated 6-25-04 about Brian Brown's hair; the context of the message relates to my father. This message about Edward Lischin expressly refers to my father.]


FREEDMAN (on telephone): Hey, Greenberg--


FREEDMAN: Remember when we were in high school?


FREEDMAN: Twelfth-grade social studies?


FREEDMAN: You sat directly in back of me.

GREENBERG: That's right.

FREEDMAN: Did you think I looked like a fag?

GREENBERG: No. I thought you looked like a psychotic.

FREEDMAN: Thanks. (hangs up phone).

FREEDMAN: See? Greenberg says he didn't think I looked like a fag.

RUBENSTEIN: SO? What do you want ME to do?

FREEDMAN: Well, I got calls out to six other guys asking them if THEY thought I looked like a fag.

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode, "The Mango," in which Jerry Seinfeld telephones a former girlfriend to find out if she had orgasms when they were dating.]

7-8-02 SPECIAL EDITION. Could you tell Dave Castleberry that the firemen smashed the window in the door to the roof deck (8th floor -- the Doc Ceaser entrance) -- They also punched out the locks to the door. By the way, I gotta tell you -- 11:00 PM a lot of people are having sex (normal or solo). It's hard to go on when those alarm bells are going. Personally, I lost my erection. I think I'm going to sue WRIT. "Damages for lost orgasm."

[Refers to fire in apartment building to which fire fighters responded. Note the psychosexual implications of the idea of "fire." "They also punched out the locks to the door" -- possible symbolic reference to breaking the hymen. Years ago, I used to masturbate on the roof of the building. Martin Ceaser, MD, a psychiatrist/psychoanalyst, whose professional office is in the building, also used to reside in the building, and would occasionally sit on the roof deck.]

7-9-02 Twelfth-grade social studies -- Everyday the teacher [Jacob Finkelstein] used to call the roll at the start of class.


or translated--


[Note that the first Act of the opera Die Meistersinger features a meeting of the Mastersinger guild, where there is a roll call of names -- once again, the issue of "the names" (or personal identity). See the message on 6-21-02.]

By the way, I think Jay Berman was the only person with a brain in this group. This is the only thing I remember about Berman. In the eleventh grade (1969-70 school year) in Mr. Rosenbaum's English class, somebody mentioned that Nasser (Pres. Nasser of Egypt) had died. Berman said: "So, what do you want me to do, say Kaddish?"

[Kaddish is a Hebrew prayer for the dead. As Rabbi Wohlberg would point out -- it's actually written in Aramaic.]

7-10-02 Here's somebody you can look into-- RICHARD ORODENKER (Central High School, 229th class, 1970). Subject sat next to me in 9th grade French class, taught by Edith Procter (who, incidentally, had been one of Linda Miller's French teachers at Girls' High School). Subject thought that my having both Mr. Price and Elliot Cades (Ming the Merciless) in my freshman year, was a brutal fate. In French class I was a freshman in a class of 10th graders. Toby Apel (the professional violist) was in that class. Orodenker was active in his synagogue. [Note the immediate transition from a religious reference to a sexual reference:] By the way, I whacked off for 40 minutes this morning. I had to. It's called "mitigation of damages." You know, if WRIT's lawyer says to me at my deposition, "What did you do, if anything, to mitigate your lost orgasm," I'll be able to say -- "Well, if you really must know" -- If you have to, you have to!

[Several of the diary entries contain associations of sexual content with religious content.]

7-12-02 I heard that Malcolm went to Arnold Shapiro with the idea for an All-Akin Gump "Big Brother" reality-TV series. The only problem was that Malcolm couldn't find 12 Akin Gump employees who could pass the psych test.

[Arnold Shapiro is the producer of the CBS-TV reality series "Big Brother." Note the possible biblical allusion to the patriarch Abraham. God promises Abraham that He will not destroy Sodom and Gomorra if Abraham can identify 10 righteous people in the cities. Malcolm Lassman (a kind of patriarch), together with Robert Strauss, founded the Washington, DC office of Akin Gump, in the year 1971.]

7-12-02 Here's somebody to contact -- The sales representative at Eli Lilly -- The drug manufacturer that makes Zyprexa, the anti-psychotic medication I was taking, and which did nothing for me (even after 6 months.) Paul Booth, Sales Rep., Neuroscience Business Unit, Eli Lilly, Neuroscience Division, 3524 S. Stafford Avenue, Arlington, VA 22208 phone (703) 931-5686. See what he makes of my autobiography.

[Note that Eli is Hebrew for God. As the Big Jew in the Sky once said: "Eli, Eli, why hast thou forced me to take antipsychotic meds?"]

7-16-02 Here are two people to look into: ROBERT FLIEGELMAN - LAWRENCE FOGEL. Subjects were in my home room class in high school. (Central High School, 230th class, 1971). I had nothing to do with these people, but I'm running out of people to tell you about. The two subjects were close friends. I vaguely recall in 12th grade, a substitute home room teacher, Miss Brody, said -- "What, are the two of you brothers?" The relationship between the two was an unusual one. I think Fliegelman was in my 12th grade English class taught by Mr. Plummer. I vaguely recall Fliegelman was excited about getting accepted to Muhlenberg College. Both Fliegelman and Fogel list medicine as their career objective in the high school yearbook (neither is listed in the current physicians' directory). Fogel was super smart; he achieved scholastic honors.

7-16-02 [Cut out from magazine:] Yeah, I'm so fucking bored.


YASSIR ARAFAT: Why did things turn out like this for me? I had so much going for me when I was younger. Well, maybe not academically. But I always knew what people were thinking at a party.

KING ABDULLAH: You've become George.

YASSIR ARAFAT: Don't say that!

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]

7-18-02 Please tell Dave Castleberry (he's the resident manager -- his office is on the second floor -- ask Mrs. Joyce for directions) -- The cardboard on the outside of the door leading out to the roof deck -- the door whose glass got smashed [by the fire fighters] -- THAT cardboard fell off & needs to be taped up.

7-19-02 The city wants to cut the library budget in order to help its budget problems. RIDICULOUS! The city needs to get at the root of the problem -- and not simply cut the weeds at their tops. The problem is literacy. -- Too many people reading too many books. My solution-- cut the school budget. Make reading an elective course in elementary school. Let the little six year olds decide for themselves if they want to throw away their lives as literate adults. In my mind, it's a no-brainer. Slash the school budget, and in 10 to 20 years, nobody will even NEED libraries.

7-22-02 No news today.

7-23-02 I've really run low on things to tell you about. I'm really scraping the bottom of the barrel with this one. Here's the name of someone from my high school graduating class (Central High School, 230th class, 1971). DAVID POMERANTZ. Subject was in my 11th grade algebra II class. That was the class in which I heard Rubenstein say I looked like a fag (a male homosexual). Pomerantz was a library aide (maybe he knew Zibelman). Pomerantz won't remember me.

[Note the connection between the message on 7-19 about the library budget, and the message on 7-23 that refers to the high school library aides Pomerantz and Zibelman.]

7-24-02 Here's what I call "The Single Bull-Shooter Theory"

RUBENSTEIN: I make one comment thirty years ago. Who the hell knew he would turn into a one-man Warren Commission?

[Perry Rubenstein called me a fag in high school -- a fact that I seem never to have gotten over. Note the allusions to the Kennedy assassination, namely, the Warren Commission and "The Single Bull-Shooter Theory." Jack Ruby, who killed Lee Harvey Oswald, was originally named Rubenstein.] 7-25-02 I have a message for Alex [Bernstein] -- Listen, Alex, I got a tape of one of your father's [Leonard Bernstein's] Norton Lectures at Harvard, from 1973: Tape No. 3 -- "Musical Semantics." Right off the bat, your father says something that's flat out incorrect. Talking about the semantics of a particular sentence, he points out that it is ambiguous, and susceptible of two interpretations. The sentence is: "The whole town was populated by old men and women." Your father says one can interpret this to mean--

1) The town was populated by old men and OLD women, or
2) The town was populated by old men and women OF ANY AGE.

But there's a third meaning, which Pops omitted (or, of psychoanalytic significance, may have repressed). The possibility is:

"The town was populated by [descendants of] old men and women."

The "deletions" implicit in the third construction are:

1) Old men and women of childbearing age had sex;

2) at least some of the women had babies;

3) the babies grew up, and now POPULATE the town.

Your father limited the phrase "populated by" to mean only that old men and women RESIDE IN the town.

The third meaning construes "populated by" to be a verb, that is "old men and women engaged in procreation" -- the product of which act now populate, or reside in, the whole town.

Psychoanalytically, what is interesting is that the third interpretation can be rephrased to highlight a specific fact that is absent from (or, repressed by) your father's two constructions. That fact is: "Each resident of the town, at birth, had an old man as a father." I.e., your Pops may have been repressing issues relating to his own father complex. (Like Beethoven himself). --Give my regards to [your sister] Nina.

[Interestingly, in the cases of both Bernstein and Freud the respective mothers were about 18 years old when their sons were born; the respective fathers were considerably older. Bernstein and Freud (like the biblical Joseph) had "old men" as fathers. My own father was 47 when I was born, on December 23, 1953. Perhaps a disparity in the ages of mother and father can heighten a child's disposition to create a Family Romance fantasy: "That old man cannot possibly be my father; he is so much older than my mother. Someone else must have sired me." My own mother was nine years younger than my father.]

Something just occurred to me. Assuming Lenny was repressing material relating to his father complex, then you can see a metaphorical quality in his lecture dealing with Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony [no. 6].

--Lenny embarked on a merry jaunt in semantics to escape from the intrapsychic reality of his father complex

--Beethoven embarked on a merry jaunt in the country to escape the confines of city life (which is itself a metaphor, since all Beethoven was doing was setting down notes on a page). Personally, for me, I have to say, "I would rather 'Escape with Perry.'"

7-26-02 Later, dude. By the way, I forgot to mention that July 24 was the 15th anniversary of Daniel Cutler's trip to Philadelphia to attend a David Bowie concert. He went to see the Liberty Bell, too -- but was disappointed by the small size of the pavilion.

7-29-02 I got a bit of a peeve with these so-called supportive psychotherapists. They don't like you to talk about the same thing week after week. --Like you're there to entertain them! I've been talking about Rubenstein for over a month now, -- and my therapist wants me to give it a rest. -- As if, if I talk about something else the content of the other topic won't be determined by the same factors that underlie my current Rubenstein obsession! I thought of a joke. A diabetic complains about his illness -- about his having to prick his finger a couple times a day to get a blood glucose reading. The diabetic's friend says: "Maybe you're not even diabetic. Why don't you prick your foot -- maybe you'll get a different reading!" -- Yea, sure.

[An earlier message -- a joke about the Saudi Middle-East peace plan -- also featured a reference to the foot. The character Hans Sachs in Die Meistersinger was a shoemaker.]

7-30-02 RIDDLE -- Why did the chicken cross the hall? ANSWER-- Because the apartment manager put a new door out to the roof deck, but didn't distribute new keys.

7-31-02 Tell you what I did. I planted orange seeds on the roof. In a few weeks we should be getting our first crop of Valencia oranges. I figure this could be a whole new revenue source for WRIT.

[The French Revolution was triggered when the government attempted to raise additional revenue through taxation.]

8-1-02 Not much happening. I'm watering my orange trees. It's getting really exciting -- Imagine, an orange grove on the roof! I feel like Marie Antoinette at Versailles -- You know, L'Orangerie -- (Ask Dr. Hirshfield).

[For her amusement, Marie Antoinette had an orange grove planted at Versailles; it was called "L'Orangerie." Note the implications of the reference to Marie Antoinette. She was a queen who was beheaded in a revolution. The reference to the Queen (a royal figure) carries implications about the Family Romance Fantasy and Oedipal issues.]

8-02-03 I am so alone, so lonely. It's not like it was years ago, when I used to run around with my buddies, picking up babes. Now, no one writes, nobody calls. All my old friends from years ago -- friends who would support me to the ends of time, or so, they said -- are all gone. What do I have to live for? Sure, maybe a Nobel prize, or a Supreme Court appointment, but who the hell wants to spend a week in Stockholm?

[In the paper "The Fantasy of Having a Twin," Dorothy Burlingham writes that the latency age child, in rebellion against his parents who have failed to gratify his Oedipal desires, may annihilate the parents in fantasy. In his consequent loneliness the child may create an imaginary twin sibling to mitigate the pain of isolation. The fantasy of having a twin sibling is oedipal in origin, and reflects the frustration of the child's Oedipal wishes, his consequent Oedipal rage, and associated annihilation anxiety. "The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child," volume 1.

Note, incidentally, that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is married to a tax attorney (Martin Ginsburg) and also speaks fluent Swedish. Compare message at 7-31-02.]

8-2-02 By the way, Franz Liszt's Faust Symphony was first performed on Sept. 5, 1857 -- EXACTLY 112 years (to the day) before I saw Frankenstein for the first time [in high school chemistry lab]. I remember the Philadelphia Orchestra performed the piece [the Faust Symphony] in the fall 1982 season -- I went to TWO performances! Ricardo Muti conducted, I think. Whatever happened to Muti? I notice I never read about him in the alumni newsletter.

[Frankenstein is a punning reference to Perry Rubenstein. Frankenstein, as an artificial being created in a laboratory, is unique and is therefore unable to find an object suitable for narcissistic mirroring. He is unable to find someone who bears his likeness, a "twin." The character Frankenstein suffered from extreme feelings of isolation. The editor of one edition of the novel states that Mary Shelley's "Frankenstein" "offers searching illumination of the human condition in its portrayal of a scientist who oversteps the bounds of conscience, and of a monster brought to life in an alien world, ever more desperately attempting to escape the torture of his solitude."

The phrase "I notice I never read about him in the alumni newsletter" is a quote from the Seinfeld episode, "The Marine Biologist."]

8-5-02 Here's a heads-up on the next big scandal that's going to rock the country-- Sexual abuse by accountants, with Arab-sounding names. You heard it here first.

8-6-02 Nothing to report. Slow news day.

8-7-02 I'll tell you what I think are my two main characteristics:

--I'm dependent
--I'm very good-looking

I suppose you could say that I'm a parasite to behold!

8-8-02 Did Dr. Sadoff ever tell your friends that his cousin, Norman Carroll, was for many years, the concertmaster of the Philadelphia Orchestra? If you talk to Norm, tell him I used to live across the street from the Academy [of Music on Locust Street in Philadelphia], and used to go to concerts all the time -- many of them I can still remember. I think one of the most memorable was when the Orchestra just got back from its European tour in Sept 1982. They played the Brahms 2nd under Muti -- magnificent performance -- the audience went wild.

[Robert L. Sadoff, MD, is a nationally-prominent forensic psychiatrist who used to be associated with the Temple University Law School Unit in Law and Psychiatry. My sister worked as a secretary at the unit while she attended college at Temple. I met Dr. Sadoff when I was thirteen years old.

The phrase "the audience went wild" is a quote from the Seinfeld episode, "The Marine Biologist."]

8-9-02 Here's some background information for Dr. Sadoff and his cousin Normal Carroll. It concerns the internationally-renowned conductor Claudio Abbado. During World-War II, Abbado's parents hid a Jewish kid from the fascists, in their house. Abbado's parents were R.G.'s [Righteous Gentiles] (if you don't get it, you don't get it.) Dr. Sadoff belongs to an organization that gives recognition to R.G.'s.


LIBRARIAN: If you need help with the computer, I can walk you through it.

FREEDMAN: Help? How can you help me?

LIBRARIAN: I can show you how to press those buttons, buddy.

FREEDMAN: How much time do I get?

LIBRARIAN: 70 minutes.

FREEDMAN: What if it's enough already, and I just wanna get some sleep?

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]

8-13-02 Message for Brian -- You seemed put off by me yesterday, Brian -- Was it my breath, my deodorant, or what? You were so friendly last week. What happened? You need to bring that little green monster under control.

8-14-02 Message for Glickman-- Hey man, where's my food stamp re-certification. I'm just a poor, helpless psychotic -- or so your partners say. If you ask me, the correct diagnosis is paranoid scamophrenia -- But just who is doing the scam? By the way, have you talked to Ronnie lately-- What did he think of his uncle Alex? How is Ronnie enjoying his retirement?

[Yellow post-it note attached to page stating:] Message to self-- 1. Put on toupee / 2. Part the Red Sea

[Refers to retired California state court Judge Ronald Schoenberg, son of the great 20th century composer Arnold Schoenberg (who wrote an opera titled "Moses and Aaron.") Judge Schoenberg's uncle was the composer Alexander Zemlinsky. Judge Schoenberg fined O.J. Simpson for spousal abuse in 1989. Yellow note message is a joking reference to the actor Charlton Heston who had recently announced that he suffered from Alzheimer's disease. Heston had portrayed the biblical Moses in "The Ten Commandments." (The note reflects anger about Heston's rude comments concerning President Clinton's gun control policies.) The reference to Moses may be an allusion to the Family Romance fantasy. Moses was the son of lowly Hebrews but was raised by an Egyptian Princess.]

8-15-02 Hey Glickman, What's the deal with mad cow disease? I don't get it -- like cows don't have a right to be mad? They've been herded, confined, slaughtered, milked dry -- and then there's McDonald's -- Don't even get me started on that. My point is, after five thousand years of this -- wouldn't you be Mad? On another matter -- Happy Birthday, Big Bro. -- Time to mark off another year on the calendar, Tristan-man.

["Big Bro" refers to Vernon Jordan, whose birthday is 8-15. The reference to cows and McDonald's ("Old MacDonald had a farm") may be a reference to "sheep fuckers," a possible allusion to a Family Romance fantasy. Oedipus, the son of a king, was banished by his father at birth, and raised by a lowly shepherd. Note that Vernon Jordan is a black man of humble origins
who worked his way to the highest levels of a white-dominated society: suggesting the issue of a man alienated from his origins, like Oedipus himself. The character Tristan, like Oedipus, lost his father in childhood ("Is this the meaning then, you old pathetic shepherd's tune, of all your sighing, pastoral sound? -- On evening's breeze it sadly rang when, as a child, my father's death-news chilled me." Tristan and Isolde, Act III, Scene 1.) Incidentally, "Tristan" was Leonard Bernstein's favorite Wagner opera.]


FREEDMAN: Try a piece of this pie. It's really good.

GLICKMAN: (shakes head).

FREEDMAN: No, really. It's delicious. Try some.

GLICKMAN: (shakes head.)

FREEDMAN: Do you not like pie? Are you averse to pastry? Tell me! I have to know!

GLICKMAN: Well, if you really must know, I once had a bad pie experience.

FREEDMAN: Apple? Peach?

GLICKMAN: Boysenberry.

[As Clinton Administration Agriculture Secretary, Glickman was the victim of a pie toss by an angry protester.]

8-10-02 So, how is Sally MacVey doing these days?

[MacVey was a coworker at The Franklin Institute.]


FREEDMAN: Give me my youth back!




FREEDMAN: I can make it happen this time. I know I can make it happen. Give me half an hour. -- 15 minutes -- Give me 15 minutes. I know I could turn my life around.


FREEDMAN: You don't want it to happen. That's it.

RUBENSTEIN: No, that's not it. You know what rejuvenation does to a friendship? It kills it.

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode and Goethe's "Faust." Faust entreats Mephistopheles to restore his lost youth, that is, he asks Mephistopheles to recapture lost time.]

8-21-02 Message for Brian and Velvel-- Your friend Lori was in top form yesterday (8-20-02). Not only was she using someone else's time on the computer, but then she sees another patron (Raaj?) using a cell phone. She asks to borrow it to make a call. The patron gives it to her. Then later, she asks to borrow it again! She's like a butterfly going from flower to flower,-- if there's nectar, she has to take a taste.

8-22-02 Here's somebody to look into: LINDA BUSHYEAGER. She worked at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia in the same office with my mother. She used to edit air pollution abstracts. She was half-Jewish.

8-23-02 Sunday is Lenny's birthday -- 84 years of Lenny.

[Refers to Leonard Bernstein, who died in 1990. The last piece Bernstein conducted, weeks before his death, was the Beethoven Seventh Symphony (coincidentally, like the Prelude to "Tristan," a musical work in the key of A). It was noted, in retrospect, that the tempos Bernstein took were ever so slow, as if he sensed it was his valedictory: as if he wanted, like Faust, to prolong the moment -- the sublime moment. Years earlier, in the Harvard Norton Lectures (1973), Bernstein conducted the Prelude and so-called "Love Death" from Wagner's Tristan and Isolde, and afterwards said to the audience: "I don't think I ever conducted Tristan so slowly. It's as if all the clocks in the world had stopped and we are operating only on Wagner's clock, a celestial clock."] (I am reminded at this moment of Isaiah 25: "He will destroy death forever.")]

8-26-02 I think I saw [former assistant building manager] Bonnie Jensen this morning. I'm hallucinating again. All I can say is -- if I start seeing [former building manager] Elaine Wranik -- well, I don't even want to go there.

8-26-02 I'm comfortable around Brian because, for one thing, I'm very comfortable with my own sexuality. I wonder, though, if Brian isn't a little uncomfortable having an overtly straight man as a friend.

8-27-02 Here's an odd recollection: GARY COHEN. He played the violin in my high school orchestra in my freshman year (1967-1968). I never saw him after that. All I remember is that I heard him playing on one occasion and I was impressed. That's odd, isn't it?

Cohen is not listed in my high school yearbook. He must have transferred out of the school. He had light hair -- maybe the whole thing is homosexual on my part. He had an outgoing manner. -- (How many pages do you think David Rosenbaum has added to his resume in the last week?)



FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT: I just have one goal. And it's to get those three the hell out of here.

MARTIN, BARTON & FISH: We thought we were running this game? We weren't running anything.

[Parody of "Big Brother 2." Martin, Barton, and Fish were nemeses of FDR.]

8-29-02 You need to convey this message to Brian. "CPK" is always acquiring new books. There's always a ton of new books. But you don't seem to add that much to your CD collection. You need to start buying new CD's on a regular basis. The hell with new books. You already got plenty of books.

8-30-02 Message for Brian -- Listen, guy, -- Don't let anybody tell you that size doesn't matter. Your's is just so small, I can't get any real satisfaction. Down at MLK, -- The brothers down there -- HUGE, MAN, F'ING HUGE. I don't even think I could fit the whole thing in. My apartment is too small. You really need to increase the size of your CD collection.

9-2-02 / 9-3-02 Good Old Times from the Grand Old Party -- "The Floridian & The Texan"

KATHERINE HARRIS: A lot of these people have no idea of the things that I've done in my life. And, OK, yea, I mean, OK, we can't go as far as the 2000 vote count incident, although that was just the tip of the iceberg. There are so many other little, just nasty, little psychological games, if that's the way they want to play. I was gonna be quiet.

JEB BUSH: I'm scared of you.

KATHERINE HARRIS: No, I was just gonna be quiet, and you said I should say something.

JEB BUSH: You are the baddest bitch. I'm horrified of you. You're so damn scary. [Both laugh.]

[Parody of "Big Brother 2.." Refers to the Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris and her role in the election year 2000 vote count affair in that state.]

9-4-02 I thought we were going to get a new exercise room. The room, as it is now, is unbearably hot, at times. To tell you the truth, I'd rather work out in hell -- they say it's a different kind of heat.

[Note the implied relationship between the content and locale of the message on 9-2-03 and the express reference to hell in the message on 9-4: evidence that the messages from day to day are associations to each other.]

9-5-02 This afternoon marks 33 years of Rubenstein. Need I say more? By the way, some Romanian Jews claim they discovered a new chemical element. Its chemical symbol is "Nu?"

[I first saw Rubenstein in chemistry lab on September 5, 1969, in high school. Rubenstein went to Florida on spring break in 1970. In an earlier message I associated Rubenstein to Goethe's Mephistopheles (the devil). Rubenstein attended Penn State.]

9-6-02 More for the chapter: "I Can't Believe I Remember this Crap!"

1. In my second year at college at the Ogontz campus of Penn State, I took a course in Eastern Philosophy (Buddhism, Taoism, etc.) taught by George F. Rieman. This was in the spring term, 1973. One day Dr. Rieman was out, and another philosophy instructor Priscilla Cohn filled in for him. This was my only contact with Priscilla Cohn. At the beginning of the class Miss Cohn (she was a young babe) called the roll. I remember her calling out the name "Malove." Malove was a guy in the class about whom I have absolutely no recollection. He's not in my college yearbook. I don't know what he looks like. The only reason I remember the name is that when Priscilla Cohn stated the name "Malove" -- she laughed, and said, "Oh, does anyone ever say "Mi-love" (like the British term of endearment -- like "Have some more tea, mi-love"). Malove said, "Yes, sometimes." My head is full of junk like that.

2. My freshman year in high school (1967-1968), my homeroom teacher was Barbara Sandler. I can recall that directly across the hall Miss Schubert (later Mrs. Miller) had a tenth-grade homeroom class. I had a thing for Miss Schubert. -- Nothing sexual, of course.

9-9-02 I have a message for Alex [Bernstein]. Listen, Alex, I've been watching tape #5 of Pops' "Unanswered Question" where he lectures on 20th Century music. This is probably just a coincidence, but two of the works Pops plays have something in common. Alban Berg wrote his violin concerto in memory of Manon Gropius, who had died at age 18. She was Alma Mahler's daughter. Then the final movement of the Mahler 9th Symphony -- at the end it contains a brief quote from one of the [Mahler's] Kindertotenlieder --Thought to be a reference to Mahler's deceased daughter.

9-10-02 Yesterday (9-9) they checked for leaks, as you know. As you can hear, the toilet still leaks -- constantly. Apparently the WRIT engineer needs a hearing aid.

9-10-02 (BONUS ISSUE) MESSAGE FOR THE PM -- Did you know that it was the Jews themselves who were behind the surprise attack on Israel in 1973 -- the so-called Yom Kippur War? PROOF: Tens of thousands of Jews didn't show up for work that day-- The Bastards!

[Refers to allegation that Jews were behind the 9/11 attack because, supposedly, many Jews did not show up for work at The Twin Towers on 9/11.]

9-11-02 This is my twin towers memorial. I'm living proof of the saying -- "More people live off of anti-Semitism than die of it." As Alex Zapruder would say: "There's no business like Shoah business." And to all you Jews out there who didn't show up at work on 9-11-02 -- Be advised -- the jig is up.

[Attached are the check stubs for rental payments for October 2002 and November 2002. Originally, the entire checks were attached, vertically, to symbolize the twin towers.

Alex Zapruder is romantically involved with my old friend Craig Dye. She wrote a book about the Holocaust, and has worked at the Holocaust Museum.]

Message for Rubenstein: Listen, Rubenstein, you should have tried Prime Minister of Italy. Those guys serve about three months, at most, get voted out of office, then do nothing but collect a pension. Come to think of it, I should have run for Prime Minister of Italy.

[Rubenstein's stated career ambition in high school was to be Prime Minister of Kenya.]

9-12-02 I had my first meeting yesterday afternoon (9-11) with my new psychiatrist, Dr. Betsy Cooper. Right away, I'm not having good feelings about her. She insisted that Medicare covers routine physical exams, lab work, etc. SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. I have a pamphlet from Medicare saying that Medicare doesn't cover routine physicals. I have to question her competence generally. I may have to file a complaint.

9-16-02 / 10 Tishri 57(whatever) Today is the Jewish Day of Atonality -- A day on which key signatures are strictly forbidden. Support your local tone row!

[Refers to the Jewish holiday, Yom Kippur, the day of atonement. Atonality is a type of music created by the composer Arnold Schoenberg.]

9-17-02 Here's somebody to look into: FREDRIC WEISS. Central High School, 230th class (1971). We were in the same English class in 9th grade (Ming the Merciless). He won't remember me. He sat in front of the window near Michael Shapiro. What I remember is that he once had with him a Hebrew text -- a volume of the Talmud (or something) -- and Ming wanted to see it. By the way, does Shapiro still have his pitching arm, or did it turn into a billing arm. That's what happened to Bob Strauss very early on -- His pitching arm turned into a billing arm. Strauss's arm is useless for anything else. President Carter once asked Strauss to help build a "Habitat for Humanity House" -- Strauss said: "No, Mr. President, I need my arm for billing. -- If I injure my arm, I'm finished -- like Isaac Stern."

[The late violinist, Isaac Stern, has a daughter who is a rabbi. One wonders, given the context, whether the conscious association to the arm carries an implied association to the use of tephillin.]


KENT: I am not going to play the sympathy card and say, "Oh, my kids need money, and all of this." I don't want people to think I'm sitting here using my children to try to get further in the game. I wouldn't want my children used for that, and I'm certainly not going to do that. --

Then there's the case of Al Gore at the 1992 DNC Convention -- We won't go into that.

9-19-02 Have you ever seen Salvador Dali's portrait of Melanie Klein? I think it's called: "The Persistence of Mammary."

[Klein was a famous psychoanalyst who placed great importance on the young child's internal psychological representation of the mother's breast.]

9-20-02 Dennis ("Victor Frankenstein") Race: IT'S ALIVE, IT'S ALIVE! AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, IT'S STILL A-L-I-V-E!

[Refers to my latest "Campaign dirty tricks." An earlier message referred to my identification with the Frankenstein monster, who suffered painful isolation. This message indicates that I view Dennis Race ("my creator, Victor Frankenstein") as the cause of my problems. The word "Victor," in this context, is a play on words. Dennis Race was victorious in my case before the Court of Appeals.

9-23-02 BONUS ISSUE Akin Gump Management Committee Discloses for First Time: [Attached is portion of cover of a news magazine with the headline:] How We Helped Create Saddam.

[Refers to my personal identification with Saddam Hussein as someone who seemed virtually immune to adversity and the aggression of the great powers.]

9-23-02 Dennis ("George Bush") Race [referring to Saddam Hussein]: It's the same old song and dance we've heard for the last eleven long years. And on the War Front: German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder agrees to Bush war plan ONLY in the event Saddam threatens world supply of Grecian formula. Attorney General John Ashcroft responds to statements of German Justice Minister-- ASHCROFT: Schroeder's tactics are the same ones used by Liberace.

[German Chancellor Schroeder opposed President Bush's plans for war with Iraq, and charged that the President's tactics were the same ones used by Hitler. Schroeder has been accused of using hair dye (like the entertainer Liberace).]

9-24-02 Dennis ("King Richard") Race: A blood-test, a blood test -- my law license for a blood test!

[A parody of "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse." My psychiatrist wanted me to have a physical, and I refused. I wrote a letter of complaint to Eric H. Holder, Esq., at Covington & Burling. In September 2002 I had been assigned to a new psychiatrist, Betsy Jane Cooper, MD, who I experienced as coercive. Note that I discharged my anger with fantasies of aggression against Dennis Race, as usual.]

9-25-02 Message for my friends at Akin Gump-- I hope you don't take any of this personally. It's not personal. I love each of you. This is a game. I'm in this thing to win a half-million dollars. It's just a game that we all signed on the dotted line to play. And I hope that when it's all over, we can all get together for lunch and have a couple of laughs -- assuming there's a public cafeteria at the Federal Facility at Marion, Ohio.

[Parody of statement made by "Big Brother 2" contestant, Hardy Ames Hill to fellow contestants.]

9-26-02 Yesterday (9-25) I attempted to hand over to my psychologist a body of documents that I'm certain would be scrutinized carefully by law enforcement or the U.S. Attorney's Office in the event I was involved in something of criminal interest. I am concerned that Dr. Shaffer refused to accept the documents -- that could pose problems for Doc Shaffer down the road in the event I "pull a Brutus." I have to tell you: I still have fantasies relating to the assassination of a foreign head of state. I've had these thoughts for a long time. Elliott R. Feldman, Esq. -- an attorney in Philadelphia, can certify that I have had these thoughts since way back. As you know I have been under investigation by the Secret Service. Dennis Race diagnosed a "disorder" in me (that still dominates my thinking) that might be associated with a potential for violence. I have been interrogated with regard to an allegation that [redacted].

9-27-02 By the way -- A Happy birthday greeting to Sheryl Dyner! I thought of something this morning while I was masturbating. The Corporation Counsel cited evidence that an incident in work on Friday April 13, 1990 caused me to think of masturbation. There is NO EVIDENCE in the record that those private thoughts occurred simultaneous with the incident. I very well may have thought about masturbation after working hours, off the firm's premises. -- I plan to put that in my letters to employers. "The Corporation Counsel cites evidence that my private, undisclosed thoughts about masturbation (without regard to whether those thoughts arose during working hours on firm premises) were material to Dennis Race's decision to terminate my employment." --That gives a reasonable basis for me to state to a prospective employer -- "I may have a duty to disclose that I sometimes think about masturbation at home on weekends in connection with my thoughts about coworkers." Advice to Dennis Race: Sue the District! Dennis: Just wait till I start sending these letters to federal judges.

[Sheryl Dyner was a coworker at The Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. She earned a B.S. in Biology at Penn State in May 1975; we were in the same graduating class.]

9-30-02 Roseanne once said: "Those who can, -- do. Those who can't, -- teach. Those who can't teach, -- teach gym. And those who can't teach gym, -- become experts." -- Akin Gump consulted not one, but two "experts" before they fired me. What does that tell you?

10-01-02 This is a bombshell-- I finally got evidence,-- as Mayor LaGuardia once said-- "Yes, I have the proof!"

These are the facts in chronological order.

In September 1989 I visited the Sheppard-Pratt employee Assistance Program -- on two occasions. On my second visit I provided the counselor Xerox copies of printed material relating to anti-Semitism. I said I was having problems in the workplace [at Akin Gump] relating to anti-Semitism.

One of the things I supplied was a copy of page 476 of Fritz Stern's book "Gold and Iron." That page discuses anti-Semitism in Germany in the 19th century. I have written, in marginalia on that page, "Uns bleibt ein erdenrest" -- "traces of asbestos" -- It's a quote from Goethe's "Faust" -- (Part II -- Final Scene), the quote is used in the Mahler 8th Symphony.

In 1993 the movie "Schindler's List" was released -- directed by Steven Spielberg.

In July 1993, I went to Sheppard Pratt to get a copy of the contents of my mental health file -- part of my investigation for my lawsuit against Akin Gump. I noticed that there was no record WHATSOEVER of my second visit to the Sheppard Pratt counselor in September 1989 -- The session I submitted the written materials about anti-Semitism. Not only was there no record of the visit, but the written materials themselves were not in the file (including the Fritz Stern page). That was odd, and possibly improper.

In 1999 I saw the movie "Schindler's List" on TV for the first time. I noted that a prominent melody in the movie score was identical to a seven note phrase from Mahler's Eighth Symphony. I thought it was probably more than merely coincidental.

Now, in 2002, you know, I've become obsessed with "Iron Man" Rubenstein and "Mr. Gold" ("Faust"). I've been listening over and over to Mahler's 8th Symphony. A few days ago, I had a Eureka moment. The seven note theme from "Schindler's List" appears in the Mahler 8th Symphony at -- YOU GUESSED IT -- at the very words "Uns bleibt ein Erdenrest" -- the chorus of the more-perfect angels. (The melody also introduces the words "infirma nostri corporis" from Part I of the symphony).

Spielberg, you son of a bitch, you stole my idea -- as if my ideas were nothing more than an old man's used cabana wear! "Schindler's List," my ass. The movie should be called "Swindler's List." You're going to hear from my lawyer!

10-02-02 Ten years ago today I saw [Akin Gump paralegal] Jennifer Meader for the last time (on Connecticut Avenue). I remember it was a Friday -- I had an appointment with Dr. Palombo, arranged by Napoleon Bonaparte [Cuenco], that afternoon -- beautiful warm, sunny day. (10/01) A hushed, reserved quality in the library. I have the idea that my letter to Eric triggered the fire alarm. Somebody left the following magazine in the magazine exchange in the library. "Secrets of Ancient Materials." -- A reference to the Record on Appeal [in Freedman v. Akin, Gump, Hauer & Feld]?

[Attached is cover of the magazine "Science News," January 19, 2002 issue. Features a photo of an ancient Egyptian statue with the caption "Secrets of Ancient Materials."]

10-3-02 Spring 1972 -- I took an introductory course in English with an instructor named Ellen Furman at Penn State's Abington campus. We read Hemingway stories, "The Great Gatsby," The Grand Inquisitor (from "The Brothers"), and some black writer (I forget who -- it was an account of his feelings in prison.) -- and Faulkner's "As I Lay Dying." Ellen introduced me to Faulkner. Little did Ellen know I would turn into the greatest "writer" of the 21st century.

[Ellen Furman still teaches at the Abington Campus of Penn State.]

10-3-02 Message for Dracula-- Every molecule of hemoglobin contains four atoms of iron. "Jewish hemoglobin" contains only 3 atoms of iron. --The lengths those people will go to to cheat vampires of their just due!


DR. COOPER: How are you doing on your medication? You look contented, you have a very contented air.

FREEDMAN: I AM contented. But then, I'm an enigma.

(Sorry for the mess -- But I'm in the middle of big ideas whose time has come.)

[Parody of a Seinfeld episode.]

10-7-02 Here's somebody I can remember from way back, when I lived up North, among the Yankees. DENA SHER. She worked at the Franklin Institute in Philadelphia. We shared an office for a time. She was middle-aged, and was fluent in French. She mentioned on one occasion that her husband was reading a book on the impeachment of President Andrew Johnson.

10-8-02 Message for Julie [Chen, host of the CBS-TV reality series "Big Brother"]-- Listen, Jules, what America wants to know is whether Eric and Lisa ever hooked up, and whether Eric ever gave Lisa the big one (as they say south of the border, "El Grande"). That's what we want to know -- not the crap you report on. What the hell do you do all day? Even David Gregory gets his eyebrows plucked faster than you! And THAT guy works for NBC!!

10-9-02 Last night on the CBS Evening News, Dan Rather reported the death of Len Raff, a longtime CBS film guy. You know, Mitch Oppenheim works for CBS News in New York. I wonder if that's the same Mitch Oppenheim who graduated Penn State in May 1975 with a degree in film -- seems plausible. Mitch liked the "Frauleins." [The yearbook] says he's from Jericho, NY. Attended Hofstra? Maybe Gary Rubin, Ph.D. was one of his teachers.

[Gary Rubin was an Akin Gump attorney who used to teach English at Hofstra.]

10-10-02 I worked things out with my psychiatrist, Dr. Cooper. I'll be getting my blood tests from the District health clinic. It's like that brother once said: "Can we all just get along?" Anyway I had an uncanny moment last night watching John Fenn being interviewed on TV about winning the Nobel Prize in chemistry (for developing a process for weighing heavy molecules, like proteins (hemoglobin?)). He talked about his love of working with students -- He said he gets a lot out of it. Then, startlingly, he used a metaphor -- He said "I guess I'm like a vampire, feeding off the blood of my students." -- Amazing, huh?

[See message on 10-3-02.]


This completes all of the entries for the diary I kept during the period June 2001 to August 2003. I write these words at sundown, December 19, 2004 -- as winter's darkest evenings fast approach.


The way in which Beethoven matured inwardly under the hard trials and blows of fate is evident, above all, from his last recorded utterances. On the 14th March 1827, barely a fortnight before his death, he wrote to Ignaz Moscheles in London: " . . . Indeed, a hard lot has fallen upon me! But I resign myself to the will of destiny, and only ask God constantly to grant through His divine will that, so long as I must still suffer death in life here, I am protected from penury. This will give me the strength to bear my lot, however hard and grievous, with resignation to the will of the Almighty." It is recorded that, as he lay dying, he said, "Plaudite, amici, comoedia finita." "Applaud, friends, the comedy is finished." In the sketches for the Missa Solemnis, among the drafts for the mighty Fugue at the end of the Credo the same thought is found: "Applaudite amici!" Here, at the words "et vitam venturi saeculi," there comes to the fore the fundamental idea which gave Beethoven strength in all the trials and tribulations of his life: the sufferer sees a gleam of radiant light -- the hope of life everlasting. This light, and awe before the last and eternal things, brighten the depths of Beethoven's life and work.