The following are snippets of humorous (or not so humorous) dialogue I jotted down in the late 1990s. Some of the pieces are parodies of Seinfeld episodes. Apparently, I found the Clinton Impeachment amusing. What's also amusing -- at least to me -- is that the entire time the U.S. Secret Service, the U.S. Capital Police, and the Federal Protective Service were investigating me and my "violent propensities" -- and the Social Security Administration was paying me benefits because I was supposedly severely disturbed and unemployable -- this is the material that I was secretly writing down and preserving on computer discs. Maybe the FBI would not see the humor in that. But I do see the humor in that. But then, that's what separates me from the Justice Department. I have a sense of humor.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Federal anti-discrimination lawsuits are the No. 1 source of billable hours for American law firms today. And you know why that is? Because lawyers like to say "Title VII."
DENNIS RACE: It must be impossible for a civil rights lawyer to file for bankruptcy. Title VII, chapter 7. Excuse me, I'd like to file chapter 7. Don't you mean Title VII?
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: It must be impossible for a bankruptcy lawyer to fire somebody. Chapter 7, Title VII. Excuse me, I'd like to fire this man, but I don't wanna get in trouble under Title VII. Don't you mean chapter 7? [to Dennis Race:] Hey, what's the matter?
DENNIS RACE: Nothin.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: You sure? You look a little pale.
DENNIS RACE: I'm fine. Good. Very good.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: What, are you nervous?
DENNIS RACE: No. I'm not nervous. I'm good. I'm very good. [becomes agitated:] I can't do this. I can't do this!
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: What?
DENNIS RACE: I can't do it. I tried. I'm here. It's impossible.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Firing him was your idea.
DENNIS RACE: What idea? I just said something. I didn't know you were gonna listen to me.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Don't worry about it. They're just FBI.
DENNIS RACE: They're federal agents, Larry. They wear suits. They carry guns.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: I told you not to fire him.
DENNIS RACE: Say, who is it we're supposed to see?
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Carter. I think his name is Jimmy Carter.
DENNIS RACE: There's actually an FBI agent named Jimmy Carter? Wouldn't that be like a President of the United States named Hoover?
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: There was a President of the United States named Hoover, you idiot.
DENNIS RACE: Hey, who are you calling idiot?
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Keep your voice down.
DENNIS RACE: No, I will not keep my voice down. You can't make me keep my voice down!
JIMMY CARTER [enters]: We do not allow any loud arguing, disruptive disputes, or irritating harangues here in the J. Edgar Hoover Building. And if you boys cannot keep it down, I'm going to have to ask both of you to leave.
____________________________
In Memoriam--Lady Diana, Princess of Wales
In her final, tragic moments, Lady Diana was heard to mutter the following: Screw the Argies!!
___________________________
MATTHEW HOFFMAN: Thanks for ruining my daddies' business, you fat [expletive deleted].
CHARLES REISCHEL: Matthew, if you want to grow up to be a lawyer like me, you can't curse. Cursing is not something we lawyers do.
MATTHEW HOFFMAN: Well, you do it.
__________________________
ROBERT STRAUSS: What's the weather like in Kansas this time of year?
ROBERT DOLE: Don't worry, Bob, nowadays federal prisons are all heated.
ROBERT STRAUSS: One day I'm riding in a chauffeur-driven limousine, the next thing I know, I'm making license plates for that very limousine!
_________________________
EARL PITTS: I should never have gone to New York.
MALCOLM LASSMAN: I should never have left New York.
JOHN F. KENNEDY, JR.: My father should never have gone to Dallas.
BOB STRAUSS, JR.: My father should never have left Dallas.
_________________________
JUDGE SENTELLE: I think I finally found the perfect prosecutor: nothing but sex and forum shopping. It's a lesson for the kiddies out there.
_______________________
WILLIAM GINSBURG: Good morning, your honor.
JUDGE JOHNSON [irritated]: Good morning -- Ginsburg.
WILLIAM GINSBURG: He reneged on the immunity agreement. We had an agreement. We had an immunity agreement. And he reneged. He reneged on the agreement.
JUDGE JOHNSON [very irritated]: Oh, stop saying reneging!
_______________________
JEFFREY HUVELLE: Just who are you, Gary Freedman?
GARY FREEDMAN: I'm the opposite of every person you have ever met.
JEFFREY HUVELLE: Well, my wife did tell me you are different. Tell me about some of your past employment experiences.
GARY FREEDMAN: Well, on my last job my supervisor said she was afraid I was going to kill her.
JEFFREY HUVELLE: Go on . . .
______________________
PRESIDENT OF PAKISTAN: Sanctions! You are going to impose sanctions? Will that hurt?
SANDY BERGER: Yes, very much. [aside] It's like the game Risk--the game of world domination--being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.
______________________
RICHARD WAGNER: Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Why can't I just live? Why can't I just be?
MATHILDE WESENDONCK: Casus belli. Casus Belli.
RICHARD WAGNER: What is that? Does that have something to do with me?
OTTO WESENDONCK: Why must you always be the focal point of attention? Why can't you just live? Why can't you just be?
________________________
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Monica, would you sweep with me?
MONICA LEWINSKY: Why, Mr. President, of course I would sweep with you. I wouldn't want to sweep alone.
Meanwhile, a Secret Service agent, who happens to be able to read lips, and who is positioned halfway across the room, transmits, via sign language, the conversation which he "oversees"--that is, "oversees," as Judge Silberman would say, "literally and figuratively,"--to Eric Holder, Janet Reno, and Judge Silberman.
ERIC HOLDER: You know, I hate peas, but I love pea soup. And I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup. A party is just a bad date situation. Let's say you're at a party with J. Edgar Hoover and . . .
JUDGE SILBERMAN: Why did you pick Hoover?
ERIC HOLDER: Well, I would think with the law enforcement and the cross- . . .
JANET RENO: Sh! Quiet. They're saying something. What are they saying?
ERIC HOLDER [who reads sign language]: He said, "Monica, would you sleep with me." Then she said, "Mr. President, I wouldn't want to sleep alone."
JUDGE SILBERMAN: Oh, that's a constitutional absurdity. Eric you don't know what you're talking about. It's not "sleep," you [deleted]. It's "sweep." He said, "Would you sweep with me."
________________________
GARY FREEDMAN: Professor Dash, what is it, fundamentally, that motivated President Nixon? What is it that motivated President Clinton? What do you think about that?
PROFESSOR DASH: Mr. Freedman, I don't explain 'em. I just impeach 'em.
_______________________
JUDGE SENTELLE: I think I finally found the perfect prosecutor: nothing but sex and forum shopping. It's a lesson for the kiddies out there.
____________________
FIDEL CASTRO: He stuck the cigar where? Oh, that is illegal in our country.
_____________________
Eric Holder -- Diary Entry -- September 16, 1998
Havel State Dinner. Hated the carrot soup. Loved the peas. Asked Vaclav if he'd read any good books lately. Vaclav said: "Published or unpublished." Now, what could he mean by that? Sharon says: "Eric, be sure to eat the mango."
__________________
Censored portion of Clinton grand jury testimony (August 17, 1998):
PRESIDENT CLINTON [Very angry:] Listen, I have genitals, and I use them. Do you have a problem with that, Mr. Wisenberg?
[President wags finger furiously.]
__________________
The early years:
TEACHER: William. "To Be or Not to Be." What do you thing Hamlet means by that?
BILL CLINTON: Well -- that all depends on what the definition of "is" is.
_________________
MONICA LEWINSKY: We had sex in his chair.
PLATO CACHERIS: What kind of sex?
JACOB STEIN: What kind of chair?
PLATO CACHERIS: Jake, this has nothing to do with chairs. This has nothing to do with lying about chairs. This has to do with lying about chairs under oath.
JACOB STEIN: Suck, suck, suck. -- sucking like there's no tomorrow.
PLATO CACHERIS: First comes the sucking, then comes the impeachment.
JACOB STEIN: No. First the sucking, then the book contract, then the impeachment.
PLATO CACHERIS: First the book contract, then the impeachment.
JACOB STEIN: After the sucking comes the book contract. Must have the book contract.
PLATO CACHERIS: Oh, must have the book contract!
JACOB STEIN: What do you think of our little Monica? Attended the finest finishing schools on the east coast -- equestrian training --debutante balls! Now, she's sucking like there's no tomorrow.
JACOB STEIN [to Sam Dash]: Ever been to an impeachment before? Just stay by me, I'll get you through it.
SAM DASH: Yea. I think I'll manage.
____________________
THOMAS PICKARD: What the hell do you do around here all day? This guy does his own profiling, his own investigating, his own litigating. It's like he's a one-man John Douglas and Larry Parkinson. He runs his own field office!
JERRY CAMPANE: Yea. He's a real delight.
___________________
Ode to Vernon Jordan
(to be sung to the Sara Lee jingle)
Everybody can be prosecuted for anything,
But nobody's ever prosecuted in a civil case for perjury.
_______________________
PRESIDENT CLINTON: We could have her certified insane.
VERNON JORDAN: Been there, done that.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Won't work?
VERNON JORDAN: It's played. So very, very played.
_______________________
"The Impeach-a-President" do it yourself kit. Yes. You can impeach a president, from the comfort of your own home--
The Federal Trade Commission requires that we provide the following notice--
"Morons not included."
You open your gifts on Christmas morning. Someone has given you "The Impeach-a-President" do it yourself kit. And, lo and behold. You need morons and they're not included! Where do you go? What do you do? Damn those double-AA morons!!
Tell you where to go to find morons. Call the State Department. Ask them what Superpower has just self-destructed. Find out who the last U.S. Ambassador was to that country. Then find out who his law partners were. There!! There's your morons.
Or-- Pick out a Fortune 500 company that self-destructs. Like a major airline. Maybe a company like Eastern Airlines. Find out what law firm represented them. There you go! There's your morons. Now you're ready to impeach the President of the United States.
LEONARD BECKER: We measure success one disbarment at a time.
___________________
JACKIE BENNETT INTERROGATES THE VIRGIN MARY
JACKIE BENNETT: Look, you're a big girl now. You can retire that scam -- The Virgin Birth. The Virgin birth! You had sex, you can tell your mommy. Nobody believes that crap anymore. Maybe in the beginning, but it's been two thousand years. Admit it.
VIRGIN MARY: We never had sex.
JACKIE BENNETT: You never had sex?
VIRGIN MARY: Not according to His definition.
JACKIE BENNETT: But what about the moaning, the groaning, the panting, the screaming?
VIRGIN MARY: Fake, fake, fake, fake.
JACKIE BENNETT: That's sexual perjury! She's like Meryl Streep, this woman. What did you do with the gifts?
VIRGIN MARY: Gifts?
JACKIE BENNETT: The gold--
KENNETH STARR: The frankincence--
SOLOMON WISENBERG: The myrrh--
VIRGIN MARY: I gave the gold and the myrrh to His secretary. I think she said she put them under her bed. I returned the frankincense. It was sub par.
KENNETH STARR: You returned used frankinsence?
VIRGIN MARY: Yes. And I was banned from the caravan.
KENNETH STARR: Banned from the caravan?
VIRGIN MARY: Yes, banned.
__________________
DAVID SCHIPPERS: Life was so much simpler before they found that dress, wasn't it?
J. EDGAR HOOVER: Yea. Tell me about it.
___________________
CALLER: May I speak to Vernon Jordan, please?
SECRETARY: I'm sorry. Mr. Jordan's in conference right now.
CALLER: When can he get back to me?
SECRETARY: He's been in lengthy discussions about the packaged meat issue.
CALLER: Packaged meat as in Sara Lee, or packaged meat as in . . . [secretary hangs up.]
___________________
DAVID GEFFEN: We're thinking of releasing a CD of Kurt Weill Songs.
BOB STRAUSS: My partners and I love "September Song."
DAVID GEFFEN: September, October, November?
BOB STRAUSS: No, January, February, October. It's a long, long way from filing a complaint to dismissal.
DAVID GEFFEN: That's John Terry and the D.C. Court of Appeals? A rock group?
BOB STRAUSS: No, actually it's a comedy club.
____________________
BILL SAMMON: Hello, this is Bill Sammon at The Washington Times. May I speak to Dennis Race?
SECRETARY: What is this in reference to?
BILL SAMMON: I understand Mr. Race spoke to a Gertrude Ticho in reference to an employee at your firm.
SECRETARY: No. You're way off.
DENNIS RACE: [Approaching his office from the men's room--his pants pulled down to his ankles, he trips, saying desperately]: No! No! Say "Ideas of Reference," "Ideas of Reference!" [falls to floor]
MALCOLM LASSMAN: [Looking at Dennis Race, lying prone on floor, his pants pulled down to his ankles]: And you want to be my hiring partner!
________________
LINDSEY GRAHAM: Whatever is not forbidden is obligatory. If we are not forbidden to impeach the president, then we must impeach the president!
BARNEY FRANK: I think that guy's all hopped up on cinnamon swirls. That's the problem with these southern Republicans--too much cane sugar in the diet.
ARLEN SPECTER: Aye. Let that be a lesson to the laddies and lassies out there.
[Senator Arlen Specter said he was basing his vote in the Clinton Impeachment trial on the Scottish legal principle of "not proven."]
__________________
PRIME MINISTER OF PAKISTAN: Come on, we need nuclear weapons to save the relationship.
PRIME MINISTER OF INDIA: Nuclear weapons to save the relationship? Well, if we have to, we have to!
_________________________
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: They say this Y2K problem could trigger a Russian nuclear attack. Their computers might read the year 2000 incorrectly as the year 1900.
DENNIS RACE: But if the computers misread the year as 1900, wouldn't that trigger a Russian cavalry attack? I don't get it.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: There's a lot you don't get. That's the problem.
_________________
SANDY BERGER AT LOS ALAMOS
SANDY BERGER: Hey, what stinks in here?
HO WEN LEE: That's Mr. Berger. He very nice man. He work in White House.
SANDY BERGER: What is this I hear about you funneling nuclear technology to China?
HO WEN LEE: Keeping nuclear secrets can be difficult. Nuclear technology very complex.
China discover many nuclear secrets first, before U.S.
SANDY BERGER: Yea. And Trent Lott invented the paper clip.
HO WEN LEE: Actually, China discover paper clip many years ago. U.S. steal paper clip technology from China. GI Joe infiltrate Chinese paper clip laboratory and betray Chinese motherland. Did we complain? American paper clip espionage force China to rely on advancements in stapler technology to prevent total degradation of Chinese paper fastener systems.
SANDY BERGER: Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?
HO WEN LEE: You in Los Alamos, Mr. Berger. I thought you knew that. Would you like table?
________________
Mealtime in Coach
DENNIS RACE: A legal termination? I didn't order a legal termination. I don't even know what a legal termination is. What's a legal termination?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: I think it means if you're fired in compliance with Title VII.
EARL SEGAL: Come on, this is Akin Gump. We don't fire people legally here.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: Yes we do, if it's done under a managing partner's supervision.
Meanwhile, in First Class
CHRIS ROBERTSON: You see. They put the fudge at the bottom so you're able to control your fudge distribution.
LAUREL DIGWEED: I never knew a supervisor who knew so much about nothing.
Scriptwriting Conference
LARRY DAVID: You think people will buy the part about the supervisors flying First Class, while the managing partner rides in Coach?
JERRY SEINFELD: Look, if Vernon Jordan's a part of the operation, anything can happen. People know that.
LARRY DAVID: American Express?
JERRY SEINFELD: Don't leave home without it.
__________________
Fabio on the Clinton Impeachment
FABIO: I can't believe it's not perjury!
_________________
Malcolm Lassman's Oscar Acceptance Speech -- Excerpt
MALCOLM LASSMAN: And to my partners I want to say: You screwed me. You really, really screwed me.
_________________
LEONARD BECKER: Who wants to get disbarred?
DENNIS RACE: I do.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: I do.
LEONARD BECKER: Now, do you really want to get disbarred, or are you just saying you want to get disbarred?
DENNIS RACE: I really want to get disbarred.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: I'm just saying I want to get disbarred.
[Leonard Becker used to be D.C. Bar Counsel.]
______________________
VERNON JORDAN: Some people see things as they are, and ask "why?" I see things as they are not and ask, "Why not present that version of reality to a grand jury?"
BILL HUNDLEY: Yes. Why not? Remember, it's not a lie if you believe it. Do you believe, brother?
VERNON JORDAN: Oh, I believe!
___________________
SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL: Say, you're subpoenaed.
VERNON JORDAN: Big surprise. I'm subpoenaed, you're subpoenaed, we're all subpoenaed.
SIDNEY BLUMENTHAL: [sniffing] Hey, what is that smell? What is that? I've smelled that before. [approaches Betty Currie, sniffing]: What is that smell?
BETTY CURRIE: It's "Immunity." The new fragrance from Calvin Klein. Didn't you see the ad? "Promise her anything, but give her 'Immunity.'"
_____________________
Tee for Two
LEONARD BECKER: Who wants to get disbarred?
DENNIS RACE: I do.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: I do.
LEONARD BECKER: Now, do you really want to get disbarred, or are you just saying you want to get disbarred?
DENNIS RACE: I really want to get disbarred.
LAURENCE HOFFMAN: I'm just saying I want to get disbarred.
____________________
ROBERT STRAUSS: You got any other graduates of Fenn College you want to set me up with?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: No sirree, Bob.
[Dennis M. Race, Esq., was a graduate of Fenn College in Ohio.]
_______________________
DISBARMENT PROCEEDINGS
ROBERT STRAUSS: Freedman?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Freedman!
______________________
JERRY WIENER: Talk about castration anxiety! By the time he's through with this place, they'll have to rename it "The Martha Washington Community College."
_____________________
ACCOUNTING
$5 Million -- damage award from Akin Gump
$5 Million -- damage award from GW
$5 Million -- advance plus royalties for book
$1 Million -- Nobel Prize
That's $16 million. And I didn't even have to buy a camera and film! What do you say about that Mr. Bennett?
_____________________
FRIENDS -- Part II
PRESIDENT CLINTON: What are we going to do about Barak?
RICHARD STRAUSS: I'm planning a magnificent aria for Barak in the third act.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: What is he talking about?
MARTIN FEINSTEIN: I think he's referring to Frosch.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Frosch?
MARTIN FEINSTEIN: Die Frau Ohne Schatten.
RUTH BADER GINSBURG: I prefer Ariadne.
NINO SCALIA: Ruth has two Martins in her life, but only one lets her get away with wearing a powdered wig.
___________________
MESSAGE FOR DAVID E. KELLEY:
I'm a big fan of your TV show "The Practice." One of your episodes last season was really over the top, though.
The one where Bobby's partner has the paralegal certified insane? You know the episode I'm talkingabout. It's the one where Bobby buys a TV station in Texas -- but the local censors won't let Bobby broadcast his friend's Viagra commercials (too risqu‚ for the folks in the Texas hill country, they say). Where Bobby gets involved with this woman who happens to be the widow of the former governor of New York. The episode where Bobby concocts this scheme to help a peanut farmer from Georgia get elected to be President of the United States. Then Bobby later gets a huge fee for brokering the sale of Three Mile Island to a Japanese company -- over a Thanksgiving dinner in New York -- Bobby tells the Japanese it's a hot property -- it's hotter than they think! Then Bobby's other law partner--who happens to be a close friend of the President (not the peanut farmer, but some other dude from Arkansas who was a victim of child abuse, whose wife is running for the Senate in New York--but has no connections to the woman whose husband was the former governor of New York)--gets hauled before a grand jury to disclose what he knows about the dude from Arkansas having sex in the oval office with some young intern whose mother's current husband was the prot‚g‚ of the nephew of Sigmund Freud. Anyway, the partner -- the one who's about to testify about the President -- is late for his court appearance and the Judge, a sister, she says: "For Martin I'd wait, but I'm not waiting for one of Bobby's law partners!" -- real cliffhanger right there.
Man, were you on drugs when you wrote that episode?
______________________
Brandenburggate
GERHARD SCHRODER: I'm back, baby, I'm back.
SIMON WIESENTHAL: And isn't that a dream come true!
GERHARD SCHRODER: This isn't your father's Reich.
SIMON WIESENTHAL: Neither was the old one.
GERHARD SCHRODER: Say, where's Joel Gray?
__________________________
GARY FREEDMAN: I do, Regis, I do.
[A reference to "Who Wants to be a Millionaire," a TV game show hosted by Regis Philbin.]
________________________
Depositions of the Century
JACKIE BENNETT: This is for $64,000. The questions get harder as we get closer to $1 million.
The question is: In what room were you never alone with Monica Lewinsky? Was it (A) The Oval Office, or (b) the private family quarters, (c) the pantry just off the oval office, or (d) the showroom at Ourisman Chevrolet?
Remember, Mr. President, the questions get tougher as we get closer to the $1 million goal.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: This is a tough one. I can see that.
JACKIE BENNETT: You still have two lifelines left. You can phone a friend or have the audience decide.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I think I'm going to have to call a friend. I don't know who to call. Vernon Jordan, Betty Currie, or my lawyer.
JACKIE BENNETT: Well, sometimes old friends do give better advice than lawyers.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Yea. I think I'll call Vern.
JACKIE BENNETT: [places call:] Mr. Jordan? Hello, Mr. Jordan?
VERNON JORDAN: Hello?
JACKIE BENNETT: This is Jackie Bennett. I'm with your friend right now, President Clinton, on Depositions of the Century. He's going for $64,000. He's going to read you a question, and he's going to ask you which of the four answers is the correct one.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Vern, How y'all doin? Listen, man, In what room was I never alone with Monica Lewinsky? Was that in the Oval Office?
VERNON JORDAN: I think the Oval Office is the correct answer, but I'm not sure. Betty forgot to coach me on that.
PRESIDENT CLINTON: I'm going to say Oval Office, Jackie. Vernon is never wrong. Personally, I have no specific recollection. You know, my memory isn't what it used to be. But I trust Vern on this one.
JACKIE BENNETT: Oval Office. Confident? Is that your final answer?
PRESIDENT CLINTON: Yes. I'm going for (A) -- Oval Office. I was never alone with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office.
JACKIE BENNETT: I'm sorry, Mr. President, that's incorrect. Maybe you should have asked the audience on that one.
______________________
ERIC HOLDER: You think it's possible for an unmedicated psychotic to pass a bar exam? He passed the Pennsylvania bar exam. What are the odds on that?
RAYMOND PATTERSON: Look, there are over two thousand federal judges. Each one passed a bar exam at some time. You want the odds on whether a psychotic can pass a bar exam? Do the math.
______________
RICHARD WAGNER: It's gloomy, complex, and took 26 years to complete.
RODNEY SLATER: Right. But can it get you to Greenbelt?
_________________
Sara and Sam on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City
SAM: There's something I want to ask you, Sara. Will you . . .?
SARA: Hold that thought, Sam. I'm hungry. Let's stop for a nosh.
SAM: Where are we?
SARA: Vermont Avenue.
SAM: I think there's a place down the street.
SARA: How far down?
SAM: Oriental, I think.
SARA: Sam, I don't like Chinese. The MSG gives me a headache.
______________
Jerry and Marciarose on the Boardwalk in Atlantic City
Same story -- different characters -- only this time it's a hometown boy.
_______________
ANNIE FREUD, THE MUSICAL
ANNA FREUD: Tell me, what was your childhood like? How was it for you growing up?
PATIENT: It was a hard knock life.
ANNA FREUD: No! That was your fantasy! You imagined that it was a hard knock life!
_______________
PETER GAY: It's the greatest self-analysis by a psychotic since Schreber's Memoirs.
OTTO KERNBERG: As I told Kurt Eissler twenty years ago, I'm not interested in Schreber or his loony son.
PETER GAY: Hasta la vista, baby!
JEFFREY MASSON: How could anybody not be interested in Schreber?
____________
GARY FREEDMAN: I got like five pages of new material here. It's Shengold, baby. Pure Shengold.
___________
WOLFRAM: Heinrich! Du? Was bringt dich her in diese Naehe? Sprich!
HENRY ZAPRUDER: I came to collect my 15 million.
WOLFRAM: Fuenfzig millionen?
HENRY ZAPRUDER: Ja, fuenfzig millionen.
____________
MESSAGE FOR BILL SAMMON:
1ictional scenario. The year is 1950. The FBI is tracking the activities of a suspected Soviet agent. The agent has had contacts with the brother of J. Robert Oppenheimer.
The FBI pays the agent a visit. They ask why he contacted Oppenheimer's brother. He says he's a "personal friend." When the FBI asks if he knows the friend has a brother, the man says "No." When the FBI asks, did you know the brother is a nuclear physicist, the man says: "No, that surprises me. I did not know that.:"
Now, really!
Update: You ask Malcolm Lassman, "Why did you contact Gertrude Ticho, of all people." He says, "She's a personal friend." You say: "Are you aware that she is a colleague of one of the world's pre-eminent psychiatrists?" Lassman says, "No. That surprises me. I did not know that." Are you aware that Ticho's colleague is an expert in employee relations, job harassment, and disturbed organizations?" "No. I didn't know. That really surprises me." Are you aware that Ticho's husband was Kernberg's mentor. Lassman says, "It's a small world isn't it."
Now, that makes a lot more sense.
____________________
DAVID BOWIE: So, you talked to Gertrude Ticho.
MALCOLM LASSMAN: Yes.
DAVID BOWIE: And you discussed Freedman with her?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: Yes. But, of course, without mentioning his name.
DAVID BOWIE: Of course. She's a close friend of Otto Kernberg's?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: Yes.
DAVID BOWIE: Kernberg, he's one of the world's foremost authorities, isn't he?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: So she claims.
DAVID BOWIE: Well, why didn't you call Kernberg?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: We did call Kernberg.
DAVID BOWIE: Well, what did he say?
MALCOLM LASSMAN: I told him I was a personal friend of Gertrude Ticho's. He just said "Hasta la vista, baby," then he hung up.
______________
ALBERT SOLNIT: This paper will have to be sent back to the editor. Who the hell edited this thing?
ALBERT ROTHENBERG: Gertrude Ticho. But I have to warn you, she's potentially incompetent.
JOHN TERRY: Gertrude Ticho? Where did I hear that name before?
ALBERT ROTHENBERG: I should have known there was already a problem when he sends me his autobiography and asks for a referral.
ANNICE WAGNER: Don't you know? He was never anything but a smart-ass white boy.
JOHN TERRY [to himself]: Gertrude Ticho? Where did I hear that name before?
GERTRUDE TICHO: Rice?
ANNICE WAGNER: No, I'm watching my diet.
_______________
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment