Friday, October 21, 2011

Moe, Larry and Curly

The following is a humor piece I wrote, dated June 8, 1995.  The piece satirizes attorney managers at the law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld who were involved with the termination of my employment effective October 29, 1991: Malcolm Lassman, Laurence J. Hoffman (managing partner), and Dennis M. Race.  The subtext of the piece is the musical Funny Girl about the show business legend, Fanny Brice; the show starred Barbra Streisand, incidentally a major Democratic Party fund-raiser and friend of former President Bill Clinton.  The piece is a parody of the following item published by the New York Times about Akin Gump's founder, Robert S. Strauss:
  • After he graduated from the University of Texas Law School in 1941, Robert S. Strauss took a job as an F.B.I. agent "watching out for Communists," as he puts it.  "I would catch a spy nearly every other day," he jokingly recalled today about his F.B.I. postings in Washington, Ohio, Iowa and Texas. "I would come home at night and my wife, Helen, would say, 'Did you catch any spies today, dear?' 

At home with The Three Stooges.

Moe: I would come home at night, and my wife would say:

"Moe, dear, how many goyish asses did you kiss today?"

So, Moe says: "Plenty.  Too many to count.  And to tell you the truth, it's finally caught up with me.

The wife then says: Say it ain't so, Moe.  Didn't Bob always tell you, "kiss just one goyish ass, and your fortunes will increase tenfold?"

Moe:  Yea.  It always worked for him . . .  It's that Texas touch.

Moe's wife:  Remember,  Moe, you have one more to go before you're through for the day.

Moe:  Need you say more?  A McIntosh tush is no Appelbaum!

Larry: I would come home at night, and my wife would say:

"Hello, gorgeous, did you get the batteries?"

So, Larry says: Batteries?

So, the wife says: Yea, Larry, double AA's.  I mean, eight to ten years is a long time.  If it was 6 months to a year--but eight to ten?  You expect me to go that long?

So, Larry says:  Why didn't you get the kind with a cord?

The wife then says:  Larry, you should never had told him just to sit at home and putter.

Larry has the final word: People!

Curly:  I would come home at night, and my wife would say:

"Curly, dear -- wine, hors d'oeuvres?"

So, Curly says:  Tough decision.  How about wine and hors d'oeuvres?

Wife:  Hold the cork, here's the pork.

Curly:  Pork!

So, the wife says: Curly, you're not Jewish, what the hell do you care?  Bit of pate?

Curly: Drink it all day.

And that is a typical evening with Larry, Moe, and Curly.


So, I would come home at night, and my wife Helen would say, "Bob, dear, how many of your partners were indicted today?"

Bob sobs uncontrollably: Plenty, too many to count.

Helen: Say it ain't a sob, Bob.

Bob:  Oh, it be a sob.  I wish someone had told me about this . . .  We should've moved to Israel in '48.  I would have been Prime Minister by now.  Pension's not bad: a thousand shekels a month and all the oranges you can eat.

Helen:  And no northern white trash to deal with!  But, Bob, if we had moved to Israel, where would we have found a good Episcopalian school for Susan? . . .  What are you going to tell the press?

Bob:  I'll say  "If someone had told me about this happening, I would have told them . . .

Helen: . . . they're crazy."  Bob, that's the Pam Harriman speech.

Bob: C'est la vie.

Helen: So, what about Larry, Moe, and Curly?

Bob:  They'll probably end up selling used cars.

Helen:  Won't Curly have a problem dating the invoices?

Shortly thereafter, the conversation ended.

GF 6/8/95

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