Monday, October 17, 2011

Letter to Jerry Seinfeld -- Mental Stability as of Late May 1996

The following is a humorous letter that I wrote to comedian Jerry Seinfeld dated May 23, 1996, who at that time was the star of the TV sitcom, Seinfeld.  Mr. Seinfeld did TV commercials for American Express, a corporation  on whose board of directors Vernon E. Jordan, Jr. served.

I wrote the letter days after I received the D.C. Corporation Counsel's Reply Brief in Freedman v. D.C. Department of Human Rights, D.C. Superior Court, MPA-0014 (1996).  My rage reaction to the brief was sublimated into humor.  I note that Jerry Seinfeld's motto in life is: "The best revenge is living well."

The document is a humor piece, a parody of my employment problems.  Humor is considered one of the mature ego defenses, and tends to be absent in persons with psychotic mental disorders.

May 23, 1996
3801 Connecticut Ave., NW #136
Washington, DC  20008-4530

Jerry Seinfeld
c/o Lori Jonas Public Relations
417 South Beverly Drive
Suite 201
Beverly Hills, CA  90212-4401

Dear Jerry:

U.S. Attorney General Janet Reno says that when she was a girl she dreamed of becoming a marine biologist.  You now, I always wanted to pretend to be a Nazi hunter.  Instead, I got stuck doing that paralegal  crap.  But--funny thing--I got a job at a large DC law firm during hunting season, and the rest is history.  I've been bagging those Nazis like you wouldn't believe.

If you're ever in DC, give me a call.  Maybe we can get together.  Maybe visit Malcolm; he's doing 18 months at one of those federal country clubs.  No conjugal visits, but they gave him fax privileges--and he's loving it!

I hear Mal's been driving his cell-mate crazy, practicing his Oscar acceptance speech: best Nazi-dupe in a supporting role--"I want to thank the members of the parole board . . ."  Man, like I said: Mal should never have left Brooklyn.  This is what happens when you take a Jew out of his native habitat: 5,000 years of evolution--that adaptive, instinctive fear of the Jew's natural predators--all simply gone with the wind. 

Malcolm may not eat pork, but apparently he swallowed all the bait they threw him.  I feel sorry for Malcolm; he's like a dolphin caught in a tuna net.

I often wonder--as many people do--what is the difference between Jerry Seinfeld and "Jerry Seinfeld."  I think maybe its like the difference between Gary Freedman and "Gary Freedman," though, of course, I don't have a weekly sit-com (if you'll pardon the expression).  Of course, Malcolm's always complaining that I did turn his law firm into the "Gary Freedman Variety Hour," complete with a ratings battle with a lawyer named Hoffman.  Look, you've got your "Hoffman" and I've got my Hoffman.

Savor this letter, Jerry.  This could be my last season.


Gary Freedman


Gary Freedman said...

The character of Kramer on Seinfeld did not appear in the first draft of the script. In later scripts, he appears as "Kramer." However, as Kramer was named after a real person (Kenny Kramer) he was called "Hoffman," and later "Kessler," because of worries about the rights to use the name.

Laurence J. Hoffman, Esq. used to be managing partner of Akin Gump.

Gary Freedman said...

My 1998 letter to Jerry Seinfeld. It was my last letter to Seinfeld.

Gary Freedman said...

From the Seinfeld Episode, "The Marine Biologist":

Jerry: Well the crowd most have gone wild!

George: Oh yes they did Jerry they were all over me. It was like Rocky 1. Diane came up to me, threw her arms around me, and kissed me. We both had tears streaming down our faces. I never saw anyone so beautiful. It was at that moment I decided to tell her I was not a marine biologist!

Jerry: Wow! What'd she say?

George: She told me to "Go to hell!" and I took the bus home.

Gary Freedman said...

"Mal should never have left Brooklyn."

Probably a projection of my feeling that I should never have left Philadelphia.