I suppose there are many people who are mystified by my behavior. "Why does he do what he does? It doesn't seem rational. What is his motive? What is he trying to accomplish?"
While my behavior appears superficially odd -- even mystifying -- my motives are the same ones that drive most people: money and sex. I am no different from other people, and if you read my past writings it becomes clear that underlying the seeming obscurities of my motivations, there lurk the drive for financial reward and the drive to satisfy a powerful erotic trend. Yes, there is a striking banality about my anality.
My drive for financial reward is an old story. I talked about that issue back in February of 2010, more than a year ago. "I was terminated from my job as a paralegal at the law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld years ago. Dennis Race, Esq. -- the lawyer who fired me -- as it turns out, had secretly certified me insane. I thought: now how can I take advantage of that characterization, 'paranoid and potentially violent.' Well, it took me some time, but I realized I could apply for Social Security Disability benefits and retire at the age of 37 based on the invidious characterization of me as 'paranoid and potentially violent.' Am I in fact paranoid and potentially violent? I don't think so, but that description, as we say in the trade, is good for business!
I've had the idea for decades now that I have been under surveillance by my former employer. I've always thought, "now, if I could prove that, I could sue Akin Gump and make a fortune." But I don't have the financial resources to hire a private investigator. So I tried to get federal law enforcement involved in my 'investigation.' But nothing has panned out so far."
Yes, creating or gathering evidence for a massive lawsuit is part of my business model. Perhaps I shouldn't admit to that. But then, I have asymptomatic paranoid schizophrenia. We schizophrenics (asymptomatic or otherwise) say the darnedest things.
Well, as I've pointed out, I am largely asexual. It's part of my psychopathology! My sex drive is sublimated in curiosity, the drive to expose (myself and others), and an obsessive need to know.
In a letter I wrote in August 1998 -- thirteen years ago -- I revealed the following about myself: "The child's dyadic relationship [with the primary caregiver] slowly merges into the oedipal triadic relationship with the parents by the end of the fourth year, ushering in a severely conflictual situation for children of both sexes. If identification with the parent of the same sex has been proceeding well, this identification now serves as a stabilizing force, facilitating the temporary surrender of incestuous wishes and the modulation of hostile aggressive wishes towards the parent of the same sex. Sublimation of the sexual and aggressive drive derivatives can now proceed, with curiosity directed towards other areas. A significant landmark during latency is the gradual emergence of a scientific approach to learning and thinking. The why and wherefore of things become very important: concepts of the world and people begin to expand, and the development of reasoning steadily advances. Curiosity about sexuality gives way, under reasonably adequate psychological conditions, to curiosity about the wider aspects of the world, a sublimation of a portion of sexual as well as aggressive wishes that continues into adult life unless inhibitions arise because of psychological conflicts that were insufficiently resolved during the pre-oedipal and oedipal periods. Galenson, E. "Comments." In: Ostow, M. Ultimate Intimacy: The Psychodynamics of Jewish Mysticism, pp. 144-150 at 150 (Madison, CT: International Universities Press, Inc.: 1995)."
For some reason or other, in my case, the sex drive is almost completely subsumed in or sublimated by the drive for knowledge. Finding out about things (my sublimated sexuality) is a major preoccupation for me. I need to know why our friends did what they did. Like the consumers of the rag published by one of David Kendall's clients, I have an inquiring mind.
I'm not a psychoanalyst, but perhaps one might correctly say that my sex drive (sublimated as a drive to know) is placed in the service of my anality (a drive for wealth). I seek to learn facts that I can use to obtain compensation for the wrongs I have suffered. I'm sure that's something our friends can understand.