Akin Gump Surveillance: Message for Elaine Wranik

During my employment at the law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld I formed the belief that the manager of my apartment building entered my apartment surreptitiously every morning, looked around, and reported back to Akin Gump managers what she saw. I used to leave messages for Elaine Wranik to read, many of which were humorous.  The messages were psychologically revealing, I suppose.  I found Akin Gump's surveillance to be ridiculous and humorous.  My paranoia was not associated with anger and a potential for violence; any assessing psychiatrist would have seen that.

The following is a handwritten message I left some time during the summer of 1991.  Public Television was rebroadcasting the drama series I, Claudius.  The following writing is a parody of a scene from I, Claudius in which the Emperor Augustus interrogates Senators accused of having had sex with his daughter, Julia.

I, CLAUDIUS REVISITED

Founding partner of major law firm interrogating group of individuals accused of having harassed a legal assistant.

"Have you harassed my legal assistant?"

--"Yes, Mal."

"Have you harassed my legal assistant?"

--"Yes, Mal."

"And you, have you harassed my legal assistant?"

--"Only once, Mal."

--"Oh, only once."

"And you, have you harassed my legal assistant?"

--"Not harassed, Mal."

--"Oh, not harassed.  Perhaps you just teased him, standing up in a xerox room or in the lobby."

The founding partner steps aside, enraged.  He yells at the top of his voice--

"Is there anyone here who has not harassed my legal assistant?"