Thursday, May 27, 2010

I Remain Unemployable Using Akin Gump's Criteria

My former employer, the law firm of Akin, Gump, Strauss, Hauer & Feld, determined that I became unfit for employment effective October 29, 1991. The firm was advised by a psychoanalyst -- an individual whose livelihood is based on attaching an unconscious meaning to his patient's trivial utterances -- that I have severe mental illness that causes me to attribute a negative meaning to trivial events, a condition that might be associated with a risk of violent behavior.

It would appear that I remain unemployable using Akin Gump's criteria. I offer the following anecdote about my current thought process.

Last night I saw a British Petroleum executive interviewed on TV. He said BP is working on the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico "remorselessly." A Freudian slip or simply an error of diction? I think he meant relentlessly. Remorselessly means without any feelings of guilt. No, wait. Maybe he did mean remorselessly after all!

Let us pause for a moment. Let us examine what I did. I heard a man say "remorselessly." I thought he meant to say "relentlessly." I proceeded to attach a negative meaning to his slip, and concluded that he unconsciously meant to say "remorselessly" after all. I took his slip as an unconscious admission that he and his company have no feelings of guilt about the oil spill in the Gulf.

Yes, I am severely disturbed. How else can one explain these bizarre thoughts? The irony is that if I were a psychoanalyst I would be paid to make these interpretations. Wait!! I am being paid to make these interpretations -- paid handsomely by the federal government, in fact.

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