The following is a parody that I wrote in the year 1995 about the O.J. Simpson case. At that very time I was in twice per week out-patient psychotherapy at The George Washington University Medical Center. According to my psychiatrist I suffered from psychotic mental illness for which the doctor recommended anti-psychotic medication. Persons suffering from psychotic mental illness are typically humorless.
Like my father, Robert Shapiro's father worked in the garment industry. Shapiro was just a poor Jewish kid from New Jersey.
SHAPIRO LASHES OUT AT COCHRAN AND TACTICS
NEW YORK--The O.J. Simpson defense team not only played the breast card, but, "we dealt from the bottom of the deck," according to Robert Shapiro, one of Simpson's own lawyers.
"My position was always the same," Shapiro told ABC News' Barbara Walters yesterday--"That the size of a woman's breasts would not and should not be a part of this case. I was wrong."
Shapiro blamed Johnnie Cochran for changing the rules, but said Cochran "was in charge of the overall strategy" of the defense.
"He believes that everything in America is related to female breast size," Shapiro said. "I do not."
Shapiro also said he was upset when Cochran likened the size of O.J. Simpson's hand--the hand that did not appear to fit the bloody glove found on Simpson's estate--to the breasts of Shapiro's wife, Linell.
In an off-hand remark to the jury during his summation Cochran had told jurors that Simpson's hand could no more have fit into the infamous glove than Linell Shapiro could fit into one of prosecutor Marcia Clark's old bras.
Marcia Clark is a noticeably small-breasted prosecutor.
"I was deeply offended, " Shapiro said. "To me, breasts stand alone as the most sacred of female anatomical parts. And with breasts come nipples, and to compare my wife's breasts in any way to some flat-chested bimbo in the D.A.'s office in my opinion is wrong."
Shapiro said that Cochran had not warned him of the breast comparison, and that he would not work with him again.
On the CBS Evening News, Cochran said: "We followed what we called the credibility card." He said Marcia Clark was the lead prosecutor, and it was Clark who claimed that a bloody glove at the Simpson estate fit the hand of O.J. Simpson, and it was the defense's duty to discuss the fact that her breasts are pitifully small.
"To use the vernacular, that woman just ain't got none. We exposed that she ain't got no tits. It would be malpractice for a lawyer not to pursue the fact that she is just one small-breasted prosecutor," Cochran said.
Dan Rather of CBS later quoted Cochran as telling him he felt sorry Shapiro was angry. "He must be deeply troubled," Rather quoted Cochran as saying. "Look, you ever see that Linell? Man, that upper torso! She looks like a walking fruit stand. Word is Shapiro paid for that breast job with the money he got from the Christian Brando case. Bob Shapiro is probably the only heterosexual man in America who can proclaim 'my sex life is what it is because of Marlon Brando,'" Cochran is reported to have said.
In his ABC interview, Shapiro also said he did not plan to work with F. Lee Bailey again, indicating that their friendship had been wrecked by the strains of the case and Bailey's failure to censure Cochran for the breast remark.
"This is a man who I had a very close relationship with, and I will never have a relationship with him, " Shapiro said, adding "I will not talk to F. Lee Bailey again." Shapiro added. "I got the guy off a drunk driving charge and he has the nerve not stand up for my wife when her breasts are defamed."
The Los Angeles County District Attorney's Office, asked to comment on the dispute concerning Marcia Clark's breasts, issued the following terse statement: "They're not spectacular, but they're real."