Saturday, March 20, 2010

Seinfeld: On Doing Your Own Investigation

The Non Fat Yogurt

Complete Script at:
http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheNonFatYogurt.html

Scene 2

[Jerry's Apartment]

KRAMER: So, there were a lot of people there, huh?

JERRY: Oh, man, that yogurt place - you're going to make a fortune.

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: They're doing an incredible business.

KRAMER: Yeah, well, I told you to go in on it.

JERRY: How did you know?

KRAMER: Well, I tasted it at the one downtown. It's got a remarkable texture. You'd never know it was non-fat.

(Buzzer)

JERRY: (answering the buzzer) Yeah?

ELAINE: (on the buzzer) Buzz me.

JERRY: Hey, I had the show of my life last night. I ad-libbed like ten new minutes.

KRAMER: Yeah, but did you tape it?

JERRY: (pulling out a tape from his pocket) Vvvvup. Right there. I got it. I did this thing on the Ottoman Empire. Like, what was this? A whole empire based on putting your feet up?

KRAMER: Yes!

JERRY: I'm telling you, I got like a whole new Tonight Show here.

(Elaine enters)

ELAINE: Hey!

KRAMER: Hey!

(Elaine has her thumb in her mouth pushing her teeth)

JERRY: What's the matter?

ELAINE: Oh, I was having lunch, and I bit down on the fork.

JERRY: Boy, it's hard to believe - with all that biting experience - a person could still make a mistake like that.

(Kramer looks at Elaine)

KRAMER: (sort of falling backwords) Yowm!

ELAINE: What?

KRAMER: Well, you're getting heavy.

ELAINE: (quietly) What?

KRAMER: Yeah, you look like you put on (holds his hands out) five, (holds his hands wider) ten pounds.

JERRY: Kramer!

KRAMER: I'll tell you something else, you're looking a little chunky yourself, buddy.

JERRY: Me?

KRAMER: Yeah.

JERRY: No.

ELAINE: Where's your bathroom scale? (Jerry looks at her like 'where do you think?' Elaine and Jerry both go into the bathroom) Oh my god, I've gained seven pounds.

JERRY: I've gained eight.

KRAMER: I told ya.

ELAINE: Oh, my god! A couple, but 7 pounds. How did I gain 7 pounds?

JERRY: How did I gain eight?

ELAINE: I don't get it. I, I've been doing the same exercises. I haven't been eating anything different.

JERRY: Me, either. Wait a second. Wait a second. Maybe it's that yogurt.

KRAMER: No, no, no. That's hundred percent non-fat.

JERRY: Well, how else could this have happened?

KRAMER: Well, maybe it's the Oreos.

ELAINE: I don't eat Oreos.

KRAMER: You don't eat Oreos? (acts out eating Oreos) The way you break them open? You're (does a bunch of licking motions) ~ practically having sex with them.

JERRY: What about me?

KRAMER: You? You're getting old.

JERRY: Maybe your yogurt isn't so non-fat.

KRAMER: Oh, guess again, Tubby!

ELAINE: Jerry, there's got to be a way to find that out.

JERRY: There must be some kind of lab that would do that kind of thing.

ELAINE: AH! I've got it.

KRAMER: What?

ELAINE: I'll call the Food and Drug Administration.

(Grabs Jerry, feels him noticing the eight pounds)

KRAMER: Hey, I'll tell you what, Chubs, if that yogurt has fat in it, I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.

JERRY: Well, let's start the insanity.

KRAMER: NNNN-Giddy-up!

2 comments:

Gary Freedman said...

Doing your own investigation. It's a Jewish thing. You wouldn't understand.

Remember the vigilante abduction in Argentina years ago? That's what we do.

Gary Freedman said...

Oddly enough, Mayor-elect Rudy Giuliani made a guest appearance on the Non Fat Yogurt episode:

NEWS: Rudy Giuliani, who underwent a physical last week, received some startling news today, when his cholesterol count turned out to be a whopping 375. What effect this will have on the minds of the voters remains to be seen. In another development, Mayor Dinkins has fired his top advisor, Lloyd Braun, who is believed to be responsible for the name tag fiasco. We now take you to Giuliani headquarters where Rudy Giuliani is about to make a statement.

GIULIANI: It's hard to understand. Because I've been doing everything I normally do. I've been watching my diet very carefully. I exercise regularly. My only indulgence, I guess, would be that I eat a lot of frozen yogurt. But it's non-fat.

JERRY: Non-fat yogurt? Oh, my god. They got Giuliani and he doesn't even know it.

ELAINE: (pointing to Kramer) Now look what you've done.

JERRY: Well, we've got to do something. (grabs his phone) I'm calling Giuliani's headquarters.

So there is some sense in my letter to Giuliani's law partner, Arthur Olick.

The connection here is Jordan - Seinfeld - Giuliani

God, I love being psychotic. It's so much fun--not to mention, profitable!