The following is a humorous piece I wrote some time in 1995. The document is evidence of my mental status as of that time. Persons suffering from psychotic mental illness tend to lack a sense of humor.
I had a great idea for a magazine: The Assimilationist. The magazine would include hard-hitting and useful articles like the following.
Who Says Jews Don't Eat Pork? -- One of Washington's top attorneys assesses the pleasures of pork and perjury. Forbidden by the laws of Moses, both pork and perjury were long denied to Jews. Now, Jewish attorneys can double their pleasure, double their fun: why not send a canned ham together with your next packet of perjured pleadings?
Interfaith Marriage by Robert Rubin -- You're not losing a heritage, you're saving a light bulb.
Acting More Like Goyim Than Goyim by L.J. Hoffman -- Ten easy steps to assimilation. Remember: goyim who need goyim are the luckiest goyim in the world!
Kosher Wines for ALL Occasions by L.A. Tanenbaum. Those four Pesach cups cramping your style? Why get wild only on Purim and Simchat Torah? Get a buzz year round! Party on, dudes.
From Yid to Id -- Confessions of an Assimilationist Psychiatrist -- Read about the graduate of a Texas medical school who went on to head a national medical organization -- all through the power of positive assimilation. "How I found peace and inner strength. I used to feel rudderless, as if life had no direction or meaning. But now, through assimilation, I have learned to live a fulfilling goyish life--the envy of any gentile." Nobody assimilates like a Texan! Lavishly illustrated with pictures of the Redeemer -- from the author's own collection.
Plus a preview of Chili in Moscow: The Memoirs of Robert Strauss. Read how Robert Strauss's many years among prost Russian Jews and goyim at his Washington, D.C. law firm prepared him for his assignment in Moscow. "I don't know any Russian, but I've known plenty of prost Russian Jews."