What I find so interesting in all that you've posted, is that you are aware that you have a personality disorder, and the pain that it causes you bleeds through all that you write. That's more than one can say for those with the same diagnosis. You seem to prefer your fantasies, and what enables you to do that is by staying "interior," so that you're mostly interested in having a relationship with yourself with this virtual you. Reckon with reality, and your pain may be too great, but that provides the impetus to change. Well, anyway, insight is the popcorn of therapy! I wish you every success that you think has/is eluding you. You seem a very bright and interesting man--too bad only those that read your blog are likely to know it.
---signed sonofashrink, strictly armchair