Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A Melange of Nothing

Another year has passed for me. One month ago I celebrated my 54th birthday. What have I done, lo, these past fifty-three years? What have I accomplished? I'll tell you what I have accomplished: Nothing. Or virtually nothing.

I don't really live, and never have. It's as if I simply move through time and space, and after fifty-two years I find myself (or have lost myself) in the selfsame void that I have always occupied.

To tell you the truth, I feel like the Henry James character, John Marcher: the man who was predestined to live an empty life, the man to whom nothing on earth was to have happened. You must know the Henry James story, The Beast in The Jungle.

"Everything fell together, confessed, explained, overwhelmed, leaving him most of all stupefied at the blindness he had cherished. The fate he had been marked for he had met with a vengeance -- he had emptied the cup to the lees; he had been the man of his time, THE man, to whom nothing on earth was to have happened. That was the rare stroke -- that was his visitation. So he saw it, as we say, in pale horror, while the pieces fitted and fitted. . . . It was the truth, vivid and monstrous, that all the while he had waited the wait was itself his portion." John Marcher waited a lifetime for a final judgment that when rendered resolved Nothing -- the nothingness that was his life.

All my life I have waited for something to happen. Perhaps something momentous. Perhaps not. But at least something. Yet I awaken each day to a life in which nothing has ever happened and probably never will.

Dear friends, that miserable patch of event, that melange of nothing, while you were looking ahead for something to happen, that was it! That was life! You lived it!

8 comments:

Muhammad Qasim Pasta said...

but what will u say if a person wake to do things to happen?

Hurina said...

Since you visited my blog I just stopped by to send you back my greetings from Finland. I think that life sometimes feels a bit unreal because there's no revelation and no answers except the ones you give yourself. Well, maybe you can make something happen in your life or maybe we don't have to accomplish anything but just live. All the best to you.

Flatman said...

Wow...I need to digest that for a second...

Thanks for making me think!

CLO said...

stay golden ponyboy

Lorraine said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
guile said...

melange.. i love that word..

shelle E said...

hey gary wuts up u don't know m but wuteva u seem kool and funky at the same time lok me up and we can talk
shelle13
shellbell
lots of love

Julio said...

As for myself, having experienced both the unconditional love of my mother and the cruel betrayal of her narcissism has rendered me unsure as to whether I am healthy enough to know love and how to love. This uncertain feeling permeates all my relationships, leading to the cynical questions of existence (there is no God, everybody has an agenda.) Some days are better than others; it takes doing something I really like to take my mind off my inner misery.