Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Adolescent Investigations

At first my adolescent investigations were a flop. I did just about everything I could think of to my penis -- squeezing it, petting it, rubbing it between my hands, pushing it against my thigh, waving it around like a flag -- and nothing happened. It hadn't occurred to me that it would help if I had an erection. Then, one day as I was absentmindedly stroking my penis and thinking that I would have to retire from such pursuits unless more rewarding results were forthcoming, I became aware of some pleasurable sensations. I kept stroking, my penis got hard, and the sensations felt better and better. Then I was overcome with feelings I had never before felt and, God help me, white stuff came spurting out the end of my cock. I wasn't sure if I had sprung a leak or what. I was afraid but calmed down when I thought that since it was white it couldn't be blood. I kept stroking and it hurt. I didn't know if the hurt was connected with the white stuff (had I really injured myself?) or if the event was over and my penis needed a rest. But I decided to stop for the moment. Of course I returned the next day and did it again, thus beginning a daily habit that continued for many years.

I sensed dimly, at long last, what all the filth and crudity of sex was about: and how inadequate it was, how it left out of account the emotion, the softness, the wanting to please, not wanting to hurt; how girls were not just jam-rags and protuberances, revolting blood and masturbated semen, taboo and fetish; but all you weren't and much, much nicer, softer, more mysterious.

And thus I proceeded along the road of adolescent discovery. Thus I entered life's hall of learning.

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