The Librarian of the United States

Dramatis Personae

Brian Brown, head librarian, Cleveland Park Neighborhood Library

Bill Decosta, Assistant librarian, Cleveland Park Neighborhood Library

Gary Freedman, patron, Cleveland Park Neighborhood Library

Scene: Cleveland Park Neighborhood Library

BRIAN BROWN: (shouting) Bill, what am I going to do? Did you hear that Gary Freedman's gonna put a kibosh on me? He's crazy, he's out of his mind....

BILL DECOSTA: Steady, steady, now calm yourself, come on, now get a hold of yourself.

BRIAN BROWN: What the hell? He's supposed to be on medication. I don't understand. He told me he's getting medication. What happened to his medication!?

BILL DECOSTA: OK, quiet! Quiet! Now let me think!

BRIAN BROWN: I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing, I'm calling the cops.

BILL DECOSTA: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to do anything!

BRIAN BROWN: What do you mean they're not going to do anything, they're the cops, they gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means, its a kibosh!

BILL DECOSTA: Yiddigtkk ka kibosh.

BRIAN BROWN: I mean it's a terrible mistake, I mean he thinks I ruined his last chance in life to make a friend. He never had a chance of being my friend.

BILL DECOSTA: Call him and tell him

BRIAN BROWN: That's what I'll do, I'll just call him and tell him, I'll tell him. That's all I'll do. He's a human being, I'll talk to him. He'll understand. Right?

BILL DECOSTA: Right.... Don't mention my name

(Brian Brown telephones Gary Freedman.)

BRIAN BROWN: Oh, I got the answering machine.

BILL DECOSTA: What's his message like?

BRIAN BROWN: Nice!

BILL DECOSTA: Eh!

BRIAN BROWN: (into phone) Hello Gary, listen this is Brian Brown, I really think there's been a huge colossal misunderstanding, . . .

BILL DECOSTA: Big! Big!

BRIAN BROWN: . . . and I feel if we can just talk about this we can straighten the whole thing out, so listen, so call me back. Bye.

BRIAN BROWN: (to Bill Decosta) This isn't going to work. Freedman's not gonna call me back. He threatened me. I'm calling the cops.

BRIAN BROWN: (on phone) Hello? Listen, I'm the head librarian at the Cleveland Park Library. Some crazed patron threatened me. He threatened to put the kibosh on me. (pause.) What do you mean, you're not going to investigate? But officer, he threatened me! I don't understand, that's not right! What if it was the President of the United States, I bet you'd investigate. So what's the difference, I'm the librarian of the United States, and I'll tell you I'm under just as much pressure. Alright, thanks anyway, ok bye.