The Lonely Planet Guide to My Apartment

ORIENTATION

My apartment's vast expanse of congested clutter can be daunting at first, and its population of one difficult to communicate with. After going through customs, you'll see a large area with a couch to the left. Much of My Apartment's "television viewing" occurs here, as does the very occasional fantasies of making out with a girl (see "Festivals"). To the north is the food district, with its colorful cereal boxes and jars of spaghetti sauce.

WHAT TO BRING

A good rule of thumb is "If it's something you'll want, you have to bring it yourself." This applies to water, as well as to toilet paper and English-language periodicals. Most important, come with plenty of cash, as there's sure to be someone with his hand out. In My Apartment, it's axiomatic that you have to grease the wheels to make the engine run.

WHEN TO GO

The best time to travel to My Apartment is typically after most people in their twenties are already showered and dressed at a job. Visits on Saturdays and Sundays before 2 P.M. are highly discouraged, and can result in lengthy delays at the border (see "Getting There and Away").

LOCAL CUSTOMS

The population of My Apartment has a daily ritual of bitching, which occurs in the early afternoon and prior to the preparation of dinner. Usually, meals are taken during reruns of "Seinfeld." Don't be put off by impulsive sobbing or unprovoked rages. These traits have been passed down through generations and are part of the colorful heritage of My Apartment's people. The annual Birthday Meltdown (see "Festivals") is a tour de force of recrimination and self-loathing, highlighted by fanciful stilt-walkers and dancers wearing hand-sewn headdresses.

HEALTH

Rabies and hepatitis have almost completely been eradicated from My Apartment, owing to an intensive program of medication and education. Also, travelers need not be wary of sexually transmitted diseases. Abstinence is the only certain preventative, and it is strenuously endorsed by the My Apartment government. Condoms and antibiotics are available on most evenings (see "Medical Services"). While the population of My Apartment is asexual and celibate, he lives in hope.