Rules of Engagement for Librarians

Paragraph Two: Dress.

Librarians shall wear business attire. At no time during library hours shall any librarian remove any article of clothing, such as tie, belt, socks, suspenders, etc. Librarians shall not wear helmets, padding, or prosthetic devices (unless prescribed by a physician licensed to practice in the District of Columbia). Male librarians shall not wear girdles or "elevator"-type shoes. Per above, librarians shall not remove shoes or throw same at each other during regular library hours. Once the library is closed for the day, librarians shall be permitted to toss articles of clothing, excepting underwear, into the information desk drawer for keepsake purposes.

Paragraph Six: Hand gestures.

"Italian," "French," "Latino," "Bulgarian," or other ethnic-style gestures intended to demean, impugn, or otherwise derogate library patrons or other librarians by casting aspersions on patrons' or librarians' manhood (or womanhood), abilities as lover, or cuckold status are prohibited. Standard "American"-style gestures meant to convey honest bewilderment, doubt, etc., shall be permitted. Librarians shall not point rotating index fingers at their own temples to imply that other librarians or patrons are mentally deranged. Librarians shall at no time insert fingers in their own throats to signify urge to vomit. Librarians shall under no circumstances insert fingers into the throats of patrons or other librarians.

Paragraph Seventeen A: Bodily fluids-Perspiration.

The library branch manager shall make every effort to maintain a comfortable temperature in the library. Librarians shall make reasonable use of underarm deodorant and other antiperspirant measures, subject to review by the branch manager, before regular library hours. In the event that perspiration is unavoidable, librarians may deploy one plain white cotton handkerchief measuring eight inches square. Handkerchief may not be used to suggest that librarian wants to surrender to the capricious whims of patrons. Capricious whims of patrons include, but are not limited to, engaging in the prohibited act of saving personal documents on the hard-drive of the public access computers or using patrons' sputum to clean the computer screen.

Paragraph Forty-Two: Language.

Librarians shall address each other in terms of mutual respect ("Mr. Branch Librarian," "Ms. Assistant Librarian," etc.) Use of endearing modifiers ("my distinguished colleague," "the honorable branch manager," "Pookie," "Diddums," etc.) is permitted. The following terms are specifically forbidden and may not be used until after regular library hours: "girlie-man," "draft dodger," "drunk," "ignoramus," "Jesus freak," "frog," "bozo," "wimp," "toad," "Lickspittle," "rat bastard," "polluting bastard," "lying bastard," "demon spawn," "archfiend," or compound nouns ending in "-hole" or "-ucker."

Paragraph Fifty-eight: Spousal references

Each librarian may make sparing references to his or her spouse. All references to consist of boilerplate praise, e.g., "I would not be the librarian I am without [spouse's first name]" or "[spouse's name] patience and generosity allowed me to obtain my Master of Library Science degree."

Paragraph Seventy-two: Hypothetical scenarios

Librarians shall not pose hypothetical scenarios involving biographies, mysteries, dictionaries or other reference items, etc., so as to taunt other librarians with respect to their knowledge of the Dewey decimal system. Such hypothetical scenarios might include, but are not limited to, questions about the Kennedy assassination: "Where would you shelve a thesaurus of historical novels concerning the mystery of the second shooter?"

Paragraph Ninety-eight: Gary Freedman.

No librarian shall mention the name "Gary Freedman." In the event that any librarian utters said name in the course of regular library hours, said librarian shall be banned from ordering pizza for the next 72 hours.